me: raising kids is the most rewarding thing you’ll ever do
kidnapper: just pay the ransom, I’m not keeping them
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Fun Fact: When you die, someone will feel inconvenienced that your funeral is on a particular day. lol
I want what every guy wants: To be involved in a rooftop chase.
If by putting clean sheets on my bed you mean I piled unfolded clean sheets on my bed and then used them as a cuddle buddy for a week, then yes, I put new sheets on my bed.
Do you guys ever throw blankets over your dogs so there’s little angry ghosts running around your house for a minute?
I always carry a knife w me in case i run into someone w 10,000 spoons.
[Job interview]
“You list communication as a strength”Yes
“Care to elaborate?”
No
y’all, my friend who’s a huge Elon Musk fanboy was just like “Ubers are so expensive, I wish we had bigger cars so you could put more people in them and when you split the cost it’s cheaper.” so that’s just a bus congratulations you invented buses
Walruses? Walri? Walrus?
Anyway…They’ve escaped.
if you think electrolytes are good you should try the electroheavies
From my hospital bed it occurred to me, that i could never work in a hospital because there are too many opportunities to nap.
10 WARNING SIGNS THAT YOU’RE CURRENTLY READING A LIST
Eating at restaurant with Mom after her doc appointment when phone rings
Me: *phone rings* Hello? Okay. I’m not at my laptop so I can’t answer you but don’t worry—I’m eating an ice cream sundae about it right now.
14 called me an idiot today
No, I don’t have a 14-year-old child
I mean 14 people
6y/o: “Mom, can I brush your hair?”
Me: “Well, you don’t really brush curly hair, but…that’s fine.”
6y/o, after spending 40 minutes brushing my hair: *puts the hood of my sweatshirt over my hair* “That’s better. Just keep that on.”
First day as a vampire hunter: This is easy lol
First night as a vampire hunter: oh no
200 Catholics, one cup. -Mass
She believed me when i said concentration camps were for people with Attention Deficit Disorder.
Can you put some pants on my voodoo doll & pop some money in the pocket please
How long do you have to wait between naps?
“He be dead.”
Who? Your English teacher?
Me: Sweetie, I think these wireless headphones you got me are defective.
Wife: Those are earmuffs.
According to all these “note to self” sticky notes I am a very forgetful person also I have no idea what these notes mean
“Groundhog” implies the existence of skyhogs, and that’s just frightening.
[two weeks into the zombie apocalypse]
Me: [ventures outside] oh my god there’s a zombie apocalypse
If you like airborne fecal matter you’ll love being alive on earth
Did the math. Facebook is worth $100 billion and with 800 million users that puts the value of a life at $12.50. Never pay a hitman more.
I was getting fed up at my job and was considering quitting but they’ve upgraded the toilet paper in the office restroom so I’m good now.
5 and 11 months: When I was a baby six years ago I was happy.
Me: You weren’t born yet then.
5: No, I mean when I was in your tummy. I didn’t have to do anything I didn’t want and it was dark and warm.
Me: *Sigh* And you didn’t fight with me on eating your dinner either.