@KalvinMacleod

ME: Raising two kids on my own has been a real struggle.
WIFE: I’m only gone for two days.
ME: They call me momdad now, which is bittersweet

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@RickAaron

After eating this cereal for 30 years I am still neither lucky nor charming.

@LuvPug

Just pulled into the ‘Expecting Mothers’ parking spot at Walmart because I’m fully expecting to lose my shit on one of my kids in there.

@FilthyRichmond

Accidentally got two shots of hand sanitizer so if you need me I’ll be rubbing my hands together for the rest of my life.

@PFPTMillsy

How to cook the perfect amount of pasta:
1. Pour out how much you think you need
2. Wrong

@Chumpstring

[grocery store]
DAD: [wearing a ski mask]
SON: this is so embarrassing
MOM: hush- your father gets nervous when we have to buy toilet paper

@FranksGrapjes

1st date
She: I enjoy long walks on the beach.
Me: *nod knowingly* Because you want to lose weight.

@colsonwhitehead

Saw lady reading my book & was gonna say hi but I’m wearing the same shirt as in author photo & didn’t want her to think I only had 1 shirt.

@_wendyb07

Her: Your hair looks nice today

Me: Thanks. I slept differently.

@onion_an

Police chief: So what do we know about the serial killer?

Detective: He’s white

Other detective: A muscular build

Me: He kills people