My son talks a lot of shit about knowing how to sit and not swing in a hammock for someone who is currently sprawled out on the ground underneath a hammock
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I just need you to see the stairs in an apartment I viewed. Am I a mountain goat?
*Flat-Earther discussing laying the foundations to his new house*
Building contractor: It’s going to take a few weeks to get the ground level.
Flat-Earther: *eyes narrow*
Jill: Hey, wanna help me get some water?
Jack: Ya, sure, I mean what’s the worst that could happen?
2 Beers = 1 Tweet
5 Beers = 3 Tweets
9 Beers = 7 Tweets
12 Beers = 12 Tweets
24 Teers = 30 Beets
My “Savings Account” is just several pairs of unwashed jeans on the floor that may or may not still have change in the pockets.
I taught my son how to roll down a hill and then I taught some passerby’s how I clean puke off my son.
Her: “Want to see a picture of my baby?” Me: “Does it look like a baby?” Her: “Yes…” Me: “Seen it”
when Jason swung that sleeping bag with a girl in it against a tree in Friday the 13th, I bet for a brief moment the girl was like “wheeee!”
*Joe Biden nibbles Obama’s ear*
– Please stop it
*Joe whispers* Say it
– No go away
*angrily whispers* Say it!
– …please stop Biden my ear
Piss someone off by calling their dojo a karate store.
Server: Congratulations, ma’am
Wife: *confused* Er, thank you. Why?
S: Your husband said you’re eating for two
M: Oh she’s not pregnant
W: I despise you
[My first day as a garbageman]
Text from wife: You forgot to take out the trash.
Me: Goddammit
My favorite Yoga Pose is the Upward Facing Couch Potato.
If elected I will pour out three fingers of scotch and fill the bottle back up with water so my dad doesn’t notice.
My cat jumped off me unexpectedly, so I get it, Europe. I get it.
witch 1: i can’t find my broom
witch 2: that’s fine i can drive a stick
[on a date with a european]
Hmmm fascinating. Can you tell me about what 400 year old blood feuds your family is involved in?
me: how bout a show like greys anatomy but at an animal hospital
producer: they’re all vets?
me shaking head no: they’re all animals
*hot girl puts a cherry stem in her mouth*
*twists it around with her tongue*
*pulls it out*
*it spells “I LIKE YOU AS A FRIEND”*
My kids are always accusing me of having a favorite child which is ridiculous because I don’t really like any of them
[first day as Niagara Falls tour guide]
And to the left you can see [frantically flips through your guide] water.
Just got 30 minutes of cardio trying to pick up an ice cube from the kitchen floor.
I think it’s only called hoarding when you’re poor.
Where on my donor card do I indicate that my organs are not to be used to save anyone who pronounces it “eck-cetera?”
doctor: i have bad news
me: uh oh
doctor: u have scoobyditis
me: *whispers* ruh roh
Me: I’d like to withdraw some daylight from my savings please
Bank: sorry no
Me: look I’ve been inside for 8 weeks now, there must be *something* in there
Bank: ok thats not really how this works
Me: omg this is daylight robbery
ME: *tying hotdogs together*
Wife: I have the bologna shurikens cut out. We playing meat ninjas or not?
Me: CALM DOWN! THE NUNCHUCKS ARE ALMOST READY!
“You looked stressed”
Me: “Thanks, it’s probably all the stress”
My daughter got upset when my cat killed a squirrel, so I talked about “the circle of life.” Which made her decide I needed to kill the cat.
[God, creating pigeons]
Make them pace back and forth like a lawyer.