me: (reaches for the bill) no no, i got it
my date, grabbing her stuff to leave my apartment: thank u for paying your own electric bill
You Might Also Like
Wait – if the planet is spinning faster, maybe I *didn’t* gain weight. Maybe there’s more gravity.
[Approaches table]
Me: Can I buy you a drink?
Him: This is an AA meeting.
Me: Oh, I’m sorry. Can I buy you some drugs?
Things are finally coming to a head.
~inspirational zit
As a dad to two toddlers the majority of my diet is various berries I find on the ground. I’m basically a deer.
me: What? A lot of people launch shopping carts across parking lots
wife: Yeah but they take the kid out first!
son *screaming*
“You wastrel” I scream after pausing to look up bad person in my thesaurus.
*Jumps on bandwagon*
Bandwagon: I have a girlfriend
If we make guns illegal, then nobody will get shot anymore. That’s how we stopped everybody from doing drugs
As we lie in bed at 4am I know you’re looking at me thinking you’ve struck gold. Your hand reaches towards me and I slap it away from the cheese that just fell onto my chest.
“No” I shout through a mouthful of cold pizza “mine”
If you love something, give it a really embarrassing haircut. At least, I assume that was my mom’s motto.
So Mother Theresa puts a dish towel on her head and she’s a “saint” but when I put a dish towel on MY head I’m “drunk in the kitchen again?”
Keanu Reeves: THERE’S A BOMB ON THE BUS! IF WE GO UNDER 50MPH WE’LL EXPLODE!
Me: [while maintaining eye contact, presses “Next Stop” signal]
I made a huge to do list for today. I just can’t figure out who’s going to do it.
GOD: Okay so you’re super smart, this is the alphabet. You can use it—
DOLPHIN: What’s that one?
GOD: That’s an e.
DOLPHIN: I’m just gonna use that one.
GOD: But you—
DOLPHIN: Eeee-eeEEEeee. Like that.
Friend: “I grilled some chickens over the weekend.”
Me: “Did you get the information that you were looking for?”
No I don’t want to watch the video on your phone. My phone doesn’t like me looking at other phones.
What’s the difference between carbon monoxide and spouses?
Carbon monoxide is a silent killer.
ME: *gets down on one knee*
HER: omg
ME: *gets down on both knees* whoa these muscle relaxers are awesome
going to rock bottom do you guys need anything
In the 1800s women were sometimes forced to wear an “A” on their clothing, signifying that they were Alvin from the Chipmunks.
genie: u can’t have unlimited wishes
me: i wish for unlimited genies
genie: son of a
Crypto is over. This is the year of cryptic currency. Pay for your groceries with a mumbled prophecy and a cursed stone.
Do NOT play Yahtzee with squirrels.
Might see you guys in 15-25yrs. Weekend with my folks & it’s only a matter of time before I snap.
I’ve thought about this Onion headline nearly every day for 20 years
I don’t follow American politics much. Did Kanye win?
if anyone is picking on you, it’s really themselves they have a problem with, I promise
It was the third time that summer they’d dug up her garden, and Barbara decided it was time to send the bunnies a message.
Therapist: How’s your narcissism?
Much better I thin…*sees my ex walking by* [opens window] HOW ARE YOU STILL ALIVE I BROKE UP WITH YOU!”