me: (reaches for the bill) no no, i got it

my date, grabbing her stuff to leave my apartment: thank u for paying your own electric bill

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Apparently champagne is the easiest alcohol to digest, so I’m going to consume several bottles to wash down my salad.


*leaves the kids w/ a new babysitter

*calls to check on the sitter


Me: Back to school tomorrow! Everyone ready?

14: Yeah, let me check if I have any homework.

He’s been off for 17 days.


Scientist next to me: My god. Reality is a simulation.
Me (also a scientist): My god. I haven’t fed my tamagotchi in 17 years.


“Wow you’re one of the nicest old ladies I’ve ever met!”- me, loudly to a random old lady so my mom can hear


I just realized that when I murder someone my neighbors will never describe me as “quiet”


Look grandma. You told me to bring something to the wake. If you meant a casserole, you should have said so. Now help me load this drum kit.


In a parallel universe calories are trying to burn people.


“500 Days of Summer” was pretty good for a movie I was expecting to be about global warming.


SON: Dad, do aliens really exist?

ME: *sliding a tentacle back up my sleeve* Why, did your mother say something?