me: (reaches for the bill) no no, i got it
my date, grabbing her stuff to leave my apartment: thank u for paying your own electric bill
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It’s 2024 and we have Batman shampoo but STILL no Conditioner Gordon.
There are at least 5 bearded guys on here that I think I’m only following because I thought they were the same person.
Therapist: What’s your earliest memory?
Me: Crying to my mom when I couldn’t find my shoes
Therapist: So around what, five?
Me: Seven this morning
What is worse than your GF sending you a text to ” Break Up ” ?
Another text saying ” Sorry, that wasn’t for you ! ”
😂😂😂
Kids will interrupt your really important conversations to ask questions like, “which door do you think the zombies will come through? The front door or the back door?”
Whenever I get mad at my husband, I go unravel all of his extension cords.
accidentally put my phone in airplane mode and my front door blew off
Day 1,459 of my son acting shocked and aggrieved when I tell him to go brush his teeth before bed.
Last year my husband and I both gave each other NyQuil for Christmas. I’m just not sure we are going to be able to top the gift of sleep this year.
My current wife doesn’t like my use of adjectives
Watched Dahmer with my grandma and she kept talking about ways to get that smell out of the house.
Very concerning
Doctor: You can’t drink while on these meds.
Me: Wanna bet?
I’m in my 40s and know all the right mauves.
~ Me, flirting
Was heating holiday leftovers and I accidentally dropped the plate. As we both stared at the carrots all over the floor my daughter announced “I guess the universe wants me to eat less vegetables.”
It’s not easy to find someone who has their shit together, but when I do I avoid them at all costs.
*I describe my lost cat to the cops*
Sketch Artist: *draws my cat*
Detective Dog: *adds WANTED DEAD OR ALIVE beneath the picture*
think of all the paper we are saving complaining online.
Therapist: what’s upsetting you?
Wife: he’s always using common phrases incorrectly
Me: cry me a table, Linda
I Saw someone say Florida upside down look like the grinch and after i flipped my Phone i’m mad i can’t unsee it😭😭😭
me: “i taught the dog to bark when someone lies”
wife: “i dont care about that, do you like my haircut?”
me: [slowly covers the dog’s ears]
Kids, no one will ever understand you like your high school love. Get pregnant and marry them right away. You know better than everyone.
I just saved a bundle on future college tuition by finding out my 4 year old wants to be a gum ball when he grows up.
psychic: “I see… I see kids in your future”
me: “but I’ve had a vasectomy”
[9 months later … me tending a goat farm]
“This’s bullshit”
Cardio Made Easy
[Car breaks down]
Me:*inspecting engine*
Date: is everything ok?
Me: *nervously searching 100 now empty hamster wheels* haha..y-yep
i hate when adults say “tummy.” im an adult. it’s my STOMACH that hurts. because yet again. I had too many sweets without mothers permission
Parenting is playing hide and seek with your kids but never trying to find them because you enjoy the downtime
screaming into balloons for an extra surprise when the kids pop them
@truegritrumble @funTweeters The equivalent happened to my mate – he got a bag of carrots for his lunch, his daughter’s horse got his sandwiches
If it looks like I’m typing for five minutes I’m really just trying to spell diarrhea.