@AdamOPrice

Me: read me my Miranda rights
Cop: you have a right to be the smart one. You have a right to finally realize Steve is the one for you. If you do not have a Steve, one may be provided for you
Me: now read me my Samantha rights
Cop [sighs]: you have a right to be the sexy one…

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@DzNutz83

Your honor, if you watch the tape in reverse you can clearly see the officer planting the evidence in my vehicle.

@KalvinMacleod

As the pair of scissors steps up to the starting line, the other runners quickly realize that this race just got a whole lot more dangerous.

@bepryor

This is what happens when an AP style journalist marries an English major and the English major edits the wedding website copy

@Mr_Kapowski

*wakes from a dead sleep*

SHOULDN’T RED BULL GIVE YOU HORNS?

@Sarcasticsapien

I wanna learn to speak Italian. Partially to go to Italy but mostly so I can pretend I don’t know English when people wanna make small talk.

@FunnyBison

DRY CLEANER: …are these
ME: yes, Taco Bell hot sauce stains
DRY CLEANER: but it’s an…
ME: yes, I realize it’s an ascot

@IvoryGazelle

Mom, here’s a picture of my bf, he’s a musician
“That’s just the stock image that comes with the frame”
ur wrong, mom. Me and DJ 8×10 are in love