ME: *reading my tweets aloud*
HER: *spits coffee out*
ME: Aww was it that funny?
HER: No, I just hate coffee.
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I SCREAM,
YOU SCREAM,
WE ALL SCREAM,
BECAUSE GRANDPA FORGOT TO
WEAR HIS HEARING AIDS AGAIN!
Watching tv with 4 and now he knows the word crescent.
All I learned as a kid was how hard to hit a cat with a frying pan without killing it
John Lennon: Here I stand head in hand, Turn my face to the wall—
Me: um, it’s fine if you just count to 20 while we hide
*stares lovingly at photo of wife and child*
*bravely runs into a burning house*
“It’s empty!” some yell
“That was a stock photo” others say
angel: sir, we’ve invented daylight
God: it’s so harsh, you can see every little imperfection. How do you expect people to procreate?
angel: we also invented tequila
Put a pill in wife’s mouth while asleep
“WTF you doing?”
“for your headache.”
“I don’t have one!”
Just what I wanted to hear!
*unzip flys
If I knew I was going to have to homeschool my kids, I would have made sure my husband used a condom.
PATIENT: How tough was medical school for a dog like you?
DR DOG: *thinking back on all the homework he ate* It wasn’t easy
WAITER: Ready to order?
ME: First, I’d like to hear the chef’s special
WAITER: Oh yes he’s very special
[chef in background sheds a tear]
You might want to read all of my tweets… so that when the movie comes out you can be all pompous and say the timeline was better.
*Pushing the unlock button on my car key as I approach the front door to my house
Nah, I ain’t distracted.
My train of thought is actually just a drunken wedding conga line.
*cops finds my loose floorboard*
Cop: What’s under here…
*they discover a lifetime supply of hot pockets*
Me: I’d like my lawyer now.
Does this dress make me look cat?
this woman in the target parking lot tossed her mcdonalds bag and drink out of her window but jokes on her she left her window down before going inside so I tossed that shit back in
[the first person to hear thunder] Well, that can’t be good.
Dinosaurs prolly have ghosts too, what if there’s a diplodocus just standing where your house is right now, bored as shit
“I’m gonna make a cool new social media site for college kids, but only for a few years. Then it’ll be a mom scrapbook” ~ Mark Zuckerberg
What you call those little potatoes with all the eyes?
Speck taters
Crazy to think back before camera phones we all used to sit in front of bathroom mirrors with sketch pads.
I once went out with a girl that said she was flexible like a Slinky. Two flights of stairs later, I decided she wasn’t.
The way your stick figures take up your whole back window tells me you need a bigger car and a class on condoms.
[first day as termite inspector]
Me: These termites are fantastic.
“Your former crush likes this thing”
“Your former crush likes this thing”
“Your former crush likes this thing”
My son told me he thought a break room was a room where employees could go break stuff to take out their frustrations and as someone who worked retail, I can say that would’ve been awesome
Husband: *driving*
Me: *breathing judgmentally*
I ain’t never seen a alligator so happy to be getting a toothbrush bath 😭
Butterflies are like regular flies, but they live at Paula Deen’s house.
Establish dominance in the mom group by looking the other moms in the eye as you jump on a trampoline without going to the bathroom first.