Me: Wanna have sex?
Wife: With you or in general?
ME: *reading my tweets aloud*
HER: *spits coffee out*
ME: Aww was it that funny?
HER: No, I just hate coffee.
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Sometimes I just like to sit on the couch and do nothing for 3 years.
me: ever been sued for enamel cruelty?
dentist: how are you talking out your nose
911: Could you hide in the closet?
Me: yes oh God no, there’s no room!
911: Under the bed?
Me: I can’t fit!!
Son: Coming ready or not
me: ugh who invited that guy, he’s so childish
her: he’s 7 and it’s his birthday
If McDonalds sold hot dogs would you be able to (w/ a straight face) order a McWeiner and tell them to supersize it?
Describing a female colleague to your GF, saying “you know, the hot blond” is conducive to sofa sleeping.
I really wanted to remarry the woman I divorced a year ago, but she said I was only after my money.
Overheard a girl just say she’s full because she ate at 3:00. It’s 6:00. How can you stay full for THREE HOURS, alien?
Hubby: Whatcha got there?
Me: Granola, fresh fruit and yogurt
Hubs: Ugh *wanders off*
Me: *eats my ice cream in peace*