@dave_cactus

ME: *reading my tweets aloud*
HER: *spits coffee out*
ME: Aww was it that funny?
HER: No, I just hate coffee.

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@_ElvishPresley_

me: ever been sued for enamel cruelty?

dentist: how are you talking out your nose

@ArfMeasures

911: Could you hide in the closet?

Me: yes oh God no, there’s no room!

911: Under the bed?

Me: I can’t fit!!

Son: Coming ready or not

Me: shit

911: shit

@mrjohndarby

[party]
me: ugh who invited that guy, he’s so childish

her: he’s 7 and it’s his birthday

@monks_19

If McDonalds sold hot dogs would you be able to (w/ a straight face) order a McWeiner and tell them to supersize it?

@rickolantern

Describing a female colleague to your GF, saying “you know, the hot blond” is conducive to sofa sleeping.

@caribbeanaj

I really wanted to remarry the woman I divorced a year ago, but she said I was only after my money.

@MissBamantha

Overheard a girl just say she’s full because she ate at 3:00. It’s 6:00. How can you stay full for THREE HOURS, alien?

@HelenMaryMe2

Hubby: Whatcha got there?
Me: Granola, fresh fruit and yogurt
Hubs: Ugh *wanders off*
Me: *eats my ice cream in peace*