ME: I give you all my love and infection.
HIM: Um. Don’t you mean love and ‘affection’?
ME: You should get tested.
Me: Ready for school?
7yo: [in only underwear with pants tied around his neck like a scarf & a sock on each hand] Almost
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HOT LOCAL SINGLES IN YOUR AREA WANT YOUR CREDIT CARD NUMBER.
I am dressed in all grey and a man also dressed in all grey just stared at me and for a second I got very nervous that he thought I was him
A lot of people are only alive because I shed too much hair to ever get away with murder.
Me: What was that?
Parenting is easier than it looks.
When I unsubscribe from an e-mail list, and they have one of those annoying surveys asking for a reason why I unsubscribed, I click “Other” and write “I used to make sweet love to your CEO and these e-mails are a painful reminder of our time together.”
WHY DO WE ALLOW OTHER COUNTRIES TO TAG THEIR NAME ON TO SOMETHING AND SELL US LIES WHEN THEY DO IT WRONG? CANADIAN BACON? ENGLISH MUFFINS?
“So how was your date?”
I talked about my obsession with reducing fractions too much
“That wasn’t a good idea”
Yeah well, hindsight is 1
a human soul weights about 1.5 lbs. I know this because I weighed myself before and after I got to work today
Dude, I can’t tweet AND know when the light turns green.
I’m pretty, not magical.