@ValeeGrrl

Me: Ready for school?

7yo: [in only underwear with pants tied around his neck like a scarf & a sock on each hand] Almost

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@batkaren

ME: I give you all my love and infection.
HIM: Um. Don’t you mean love and ‘affection’?
ME: …
HIM: …
ME: You should get tested.

@audipenny

I am dressed in all grey and a man also dressed in all grey just stared at me and for a second I got very nervous that he thought I was him

@Just_Lee_

A lot of people are only alive because I shed too much hair to ever get away with murder.

@XplodingUnicorn

[loud crashes]

Me: What was that?

4-year-old: Nothing.

Me:

4:

Me: OK.

Parenting is easier than it looks.

@Jake_Vig

When I unsubscribe from an e-mail list, and they have one of those annoying surveys asking for a reason why I unsubscribed, I click “Other” and write “I used to make sweet love to your CEO and these e-mails are a painful reminder of our time together.”

@berniethoughts

WHY DO WE ALLOW OTHER COUNTRIES TO TAG THEIR NAME ON TO SOMETHING AND SELL US LIES WHEN THEY DO IT WRONG? CANADIAN BACON? ENGLISH MUFFINS?

@daemonic3

“So how was your date?”

I talked about my obsession with reducing fractions too much

“That wasn’t a good idea”

Yeah well, hindsight is 1

@AskinWayne

a human soul weights about 1.5 lbs. I know this because I weighed myself before and after I got to work today

@NervousJr

Dude, I can’t tweet AND know when the light turns green.
I’m pretty, not magical.