Me: ready to visit grandma?

Toddler: YAY GRANDMA! why is momma crying?

Me: she’s getting ready to visit grandma too.

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STEVE: you misspelled my name
ME: Oh uh it’s a joke
LATER, TO STOVE: I’ll make you another cake when he leaves


When I was little, my mom would read my fortune cookie. It would say things like, “Never lie about brushing your teeth or they will fall out,” or “Don’t play with Hanna, she’s not a nice girl,” or “Tomorrow you’re getting shots, don’t cry.”



Wife: [helping daughter with homework] the War of 1812 was between?

Daughter: I don’t know.

Me: [mouthful of skittles] 1811 and 1813.


The lady cutting my hair asked me to lift my head like I was taking a selfie. I don’t know what’s worse, her request or me knowing exactly what to do.


Her: I’m an only child

Me: There are literally billions of children


Her: “If you can’t handle m-”
Me: “Stop right there. I can’t. It’s fine.”


Me: I’ll have a beer

Waiter: it’s 10am

Me: I’ll have a beer and some scrambled eggs


No school, Day 1

7:15am: we have puzzles, activity books, stickers… we’ll get through this!

8:03am: *googles boarding schools with no coronavirus*


Ariel: “But I love him, daddy!”

*sobs as King Tritan rips her iPhone away and unfollows PrinceEric69*