me: wheres the 13th floor?
builder: we skip it in all our buildings
me: what why
builder: *embarrassed* too spooky
Me: ready to visit grandma?
Toddler: YAY GRANDMA! why is momma crying?
Me: she’s getting ready to visit grandma too.
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A fun thing you can do when making a larger purchase like a TV or refrigerator is to ask if it’s snake proof, and immediately follow it up with “the fact that you’re hesitating is concerning to me”
What is wrong with me?!? Asking for a friend..
[my first day on the international space station]
*grinds pepper over food*
*sees a racoon in the neighbor’s trash*
I won’t say anything if you don’t.
Why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near? It’s because you are feeding them bread Karen.
whoa i just got a fortune cookie that said “people will literally eat fried cardboard if u tell them there’s a secret inside lmao”
[first day as a pilot]
control tower: what are your coordinates
me: I’m by a cloud that looks like a lion
control tower: can you be more specific