Me: ready to visit grandma?

Toddler: YAY GRANDMA! why is momma crying?

Me: she’s getting ready to visit grandma too.

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me: wheres the 13th floor?

builder: we skip it in all our buildings

me: what why



builder: *embarrassed* too spooky


A fun thing you can do when making a larger purchase like a TV or refrigerator is to ask if it’s snake proof, and immediately follow it up with “the fact that you’re hesitating is concerning to me”


[my first day on the international space station]

*grinds pepper over food*


Oh no.


*sees a racoon in the neighbor’s trash*

I won’t say anything if you don’t.

*continues rummaging*


Why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near? It’s because you are feeding them bread Karen.


whoa i just got a fortune cookie that said “people will literally eat fried cardboard if u tell them there’s a secret inside lmao”


[first day as a pilot]

control tower: what are your coordinates

me: I’m by a cloud that looks like a lion

control tower: can you be more specific

me: simba