@daddydoubts

Me: ready to visit grandma?

Toddler: YAY GRANDMA! why is momma crying?

Me: she’s getting ready to visit grandma too.

You Might Also Like

@TheAliciaKraft

STEVE: you misspelled my name
ME: Oh uh it’s a joke
LATER, TO STOVE: I’ll make you another cake when he leaves

@3sunzzz

When I was little, my mom would read my fortune cookie. It would say things like, “Never lie about brushing your teeth or they will fall out,” or “Don’t play with Hanna, she’s not a nice girl,” or “Tomorrow you’re getting shots, don’t cry.”

#LiesYourParentsToldYou

@NewDadNotes

Wife: [helping daughter with homework] the War of 1812 was between?

Daughter: I don’t know.

Me: [mouthful of skittles] 1811 and 1813.

@TheBoydP

The lady cutting my hair asked me to lift my head like I was taking a selfie. I don’t know what’s worse, her request or me knowing exactly what to do.

@ThugRaccoons

Her: I’m an only child

Me: There are literally billions of children

@Goddamnit_Jason

Her: “If you can’t handle m-”
Me: “Stop right there. I can’t. It’s fine.”

@DaddyJew

Me: I’ll have a beer

Waiter: it’s 10am

Me: I’ll have a beer and some scrambled eggs

@SnarkyMommy78

No school, Day 1

7:15am: we have puzzles, activity books, stickers… we’ll get through this!

8:03am: *googles boarding schools with no coronavirus*

@hstweetheart

Ariel: “But I love him, daddy!”

*sobs as King Tritan rips her iPhone away and unfollows PrinceEric69*