Him: What’s that, Boy? Timmy fell down the well?
Lassie: Well I said “reservoir,” but if you need it dumbed down for you, sure.
ME: *realises I’ve just stepped on an ant* oh no
JOHN WICK: Has anyone seen my pet ant?
ME: OH NO
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The gas station air pump costs a dollar because air doesn’t grow on trees.
*catcher puts 1 finger down*
*pitcher shakes head*
*puts 2 fingers down*
(catcher to umpire)
“can we take a break? he has to poop”
The package says “Do not eat raw cookie dough” but all I really see is “Pillsbury hates you and doesn’t want you to be happy.”
Current status: I just turned on the garbage disposal so the cats wouldn’t hear me getting the cheese out of the fridge.
*recalls buddy said women like a manly man*
*but also, be sensitive*
I like to work with my hands,
But splinters make me cry.
*seductively boils hot dog* *suggestively unscrews ketchup bottle* *alluringly toasts bun* *erotically describes this in between asterisks*
Every grocery store has free samples if you’re quick enough
Hi, welcome to dating. These are your two options:
1. Stay together forever
2. Break up
They should fill the airbags with confetti to make car accidents more fun.
“OMG, my legs! Hey, a party!”