Doctor: You need to cut out orange juice in the morning.
Me: Because of all the sugar?
D: No, because of all the champagne.
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What the hell, Everyman Cinemas? I booked the last available seat for Tetris The Movie and the whole row disappeared.
A Victoria’s Secret commercial will always come on when you’re elbow deep in a bag of Doritos.
My wife has a “work husband” so I’m having him come over to load the dishwasher and get yelled at for doing it wrong
First date idea: we list fictional characters that we would both punch in the face
I’d love to put a timer on how long it takes you to turn the conversation back to you but my stopwatch app doesn’t do tenths of a second.
Hubby took the kids downstairs and is letting me sleep in! I’m so excit..never mind, I hear crying already. I think it’s my husband.
Life can only give you lemons if you answer the door.
My washing machine keeps flashing the code for unbalanced like I know how to fix that
I blame Johnny Bravo for my body image issues
Every grocery store has a manager, a clerk, and a person standing in front of the spices learning how alphabetical order works for the very first time.
Done with dating sites. I’m now focusing on pizza delivery guys because at least I know they have a job, a car, and pizza.
Yes I wore a $900 fuchsia southern belle dress to your kid’s baptism. When I was your bridesmaid, you said I could always wear it again.
Cop: We’re going to charge you with battery
Terminator: Oh you’re a life saver, I’m on 3%
When I’m in a plane that’s full of white people, my new favourite thing to do is to spot another Sikh and shout out loudly to him “Don’t forget our mission”.
Dingo: The dingo community is known for many other things
TV Host: What are cooking for us today?
Dingo: I’m making my famous baby coleslaw
The American flags on the moon have been bleached white from 44 years of solar radiation. If aliens ever attack, we’ve already surrendered.
[after explaining speed limit signs]
5: I like how you’re creative with speed limits
6: Daddy the floor is lava!
Me: Oh yeah? *Pushes wife off chair*
I went to a seafood disco last week and pulled a mussel.
Practice self-care like a star, be lonely and distant & allow nothing to survive on your surface.
Today a man asked me if the bird tattoo on my shoulder was a hummingbird and I said it’s a magpie and he asked “oh black billed or yellow billed?” HEY YOU KNOW WHAT JEREMY YOU CAN’T NOT KNOW A HUMMINGBIRD FROM A MAGPIE ONE MINUTE THEN CRED CHECK ME THE NEXT OKAY?
SHOUTOUT TO LIBRARIANS! (*sorry*)
My husband washed the dog with my expensive shampoo again. I sure hope that crate is big enough for both of them to sleep in tonight.
Most divorces could be avoided by buying 2 duvets.
Sorry I was cleaning my phone screen and accidentally took 37 selfies.
Me (looking up at the clock): Oh no, boys and girls we were working so hard we missed recess! I’m so sorry that I forgot.
6yo: (patting my arm) That’s ok, I think that happens when you start to get older.
On a scale of 1 – 10 where 10 is being up on technology and 1 is washing clothes by beating them on a rock, I’m about a 5.
Me: they call me Fred Flintstone
Her: *annoyed* because you can make my bed rock?
Me: because you’re gonna turn me down and I’ll have to yabba dabba do it myself