*in a fight with Humpty Dumpty*
“You don’t scare me, I eat eggs like you for breakfast”
ME: *realises I’ve just stepped on an ant* oh no
JOHN WICK: Has anyone seen my pet ant?
ME: OH NO
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The self-esteem powered car! Come take it for a drive
ME: uh okay *gets in*
[CAR JUST LITERALLY FALLS APART]
I get into bed.
Husband is already asleep.
I must build a pillow fort between us to keep his hot breath off of my face.
Marriage is fun.
I still don’t understand why we are supposed to eat the tampon afterwards
I put my pants on just like everybody else, by getting my toes caught in the knee hole hopping around and ultimately taking out a lamp on my way down.
Time 4 the 3rd debate, the political eqivalent of driving past a street corner several times to make sure u choose the least skanky ho! ;^)
When someone ask me… How are you?… I answer back… You mean in bed?
This is the first meme I’ve ever shared but it’s a day of firsts so…
Sorry I changed your ringtone to Salt-N-Pepa’s “push it” and called you a bunch of times during your colonoscopy.
Why do they call her “Grumpy Cat” and not “Sourpuss?”