@ArfMeasures

ME: *realises I’ve just stepped on an ant* oh no

JOHN WICK: Has anyone seen my pet ant?

ME: OH NO

You Might Also Like

@TheAlexNevil

Him: What’s that, Boy? Timmy fell down the well?
Lassie: Well I said “reservoir,” but if you need it dumbed down for you, sure.

@YourAnMoron

The gas station air pump costs a dollar because air doesn’t grow on trees.

@CoolCamel69

*catcher puts 1 finger down*
*pitcher shakes head*
*puts 2 fingers down*
*nods*
(catcher to umpire)
“can we take a break? he has to poop”

@leechee420

The package says “Do not eat raw cookie dough” but all I really see is “Pillsbury hates you and doesn’t want you to be happy.”

@mejustbeth

Current status: I just turned on the garbage disposal so the cats wouldn’t hear me getting the cheese out of the fridge.

@TheAlexP

[1st date]

*recalls buddy said women like a manly man*

*but also, be sensitive*

I like to work with my hands,

But splinters make me cry.

@MrMichaelRose

*seductively boils hot dog* *suggestively unscrews ketchup bottle* *alluringly toasts bun* *erotically describes this in between asterisks*

@thatdutchperson

Hi, welcome to dating. These are your two options:

1. Stay together forever
2. Break up

No pressure.

@iAmDelFreaky

They should fill the airbags with confetti to make car accidents more fun.

*crashes vehicle*

“OMG, my legs! Hey, a party!”

*dies smiling*