@ArfMeasures

ME: *realises I’ve just stepped on an ant* oh no

JOHN WICK: Has anyone seen my pet ant?

ME: OH NO

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@SharkJelly

*in a fight with Humpty Dumpty*

“You don’t scare me, I eat eggs like you for breakfast”

@Proxic0n

SCIENTIST: Behold
The self-esteem powered car! Come take it for a drive

ME: uh okay *gets in*

[CAR JUST LITERALLY FALLS APART]

@3sunzzz

I get into bed.

Husband is already asleep.

I must build a pillow fort between us to keep his hot breath off of my face.

Marriage is fun.

@DailyAdviser

I still don’t understand why we are supposed to eat the tampon afterwards

@TamiDaBushPilot

I put my pants on just like everybody else, by getting my toes caught in the knee hole hopping around and ultimately taking out a lamp on my way down.

@JimCarrey

Time 4 the 3rd debate, the political eqivalent of driving past a street corner several times to make sure u choose the least skanky ho! ;^)

@curlymalloy

When someone ask me… How are you?… I answer back… You mean in bed?

@jane__bradley

This is the first meme I’ve ever shared but it’s a day of firsts so…

@DurtMcHurtt

Sorry I changed your ringtone to Salt-N-Pepa’s “push it” and called you a bunch of times during your colonoscopy.