Me realizing i have no idea what my friend just said:
My brain:
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say itMe: That’s crazy
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waiter: wine?
date: I don’t drink
waiter: water?
me: she said she doesn’t drink pal
i do this stupid thing where i water my garden on the day it rains, but in my defense, the rain reminds me that they need to be watered
Crawling into a nice warm barrel of toxic waste and dissolving sounds so appealing…but is it worth the risk of developing super powers or some extra shit like that? So tired.
Like dudes straight up do not pay attention. It took Bruce Willis 2 hours and 10 minutes to realize he was a damn ghost in the Sixth Sense.
DATING TIP: PULL THE CHAIR OUT FOR HER. PICK THE CHAIR UP & FOLD IT. HIT HER OVER THE HEAD WITH THE CHAIR. GET THE 3 COUNT. NEW WWE CHAMPION
Immediately after giving birth to me my mom was charged with crimes against humanity
I just asked my kids to jump into a bubbling magma pit.
Just kidding, I asked them to eat the dinner I cooked for them, but their reaction fits that magma scenario
me: dentist said the kids have the plague
wife: plaque
me: yes a memorial would be good
Ghostbusters (1984): A large, jovial marshmallow sailor is burned alive amid the crossfire btwn humans and ethereal beings.
Billy Joel’s washing is still wet because he didn’t start the dryer.
Cop: Tell me again why you pulled out scissors and gave her bangs.
Me: She was flirting with a hot dad that I had my eye on.
Not to brag but I can keep up with the fast part of the chicken dance…
WIFE: Every time I get close, I get hurt.
THERAPIST: Is this true?
PORCUPINE HUSBAND: *bristles* OF COURSE IT’S TRUE I’M A BALL OF NEEDLES
Once new outdoor seating is installed here it’s over for you benches!
Interviewer: Do you have any questions?
Me: Did I mention I’m a vegan?
Interviewer: Your resume is printed on quinoa
Me: I’m a vegan
Jesus: This is where I realized how heavy you are. This is where I tripped. And this is where I tried doing the macarena and dropped you.
The day started well when I picked up my car keys to turn on the television.
To avoid another embarrassing moment like when I was stood up on prom night, I always keep at least 1 penguin around.
I still don’t unmute myself often on group calls at work, but my comically overt nodding game has never been stronger.
I’ve heard that there are people that can keep every room of their house clean at the same time
At my house the rooms have to take turns being clean, kind of like the kids
BOSS: why are you late?
ME:
Before I had a kid I thought, god, I wish I could say “please put your shoes on” 17,000 times every morning.
My dreams have come true.
My soon to be ex-wife just told me I need to face my demons.
WTF. I was looking right at her.
Saw sign in yoga store: Do One Thing A Day That Scares You. So today I start raping coyotes.
My husband asked me yesterday what I would do with my time if money was no object, and apparently “buy out a Target and sit on top of my hoard like a manic-depressive dragon” was an incorrect response so idk.
Wife: Well, they say a mirror adds ten pounds.
Me: That’s a cam-
Wife: …
Me: Yes. Yes they do.
Alright. Let’s cut the shit. Who harbinged this doom?
I washed my shirts and they’re hanging out on the clothes line. They know what they did!
learn from a vacuum cleaner, don’t work beyond the limit of your cord…
I was lying next to 4 and he looked into my eyes and stroked some hair off my face and my heart melted but then he stroked a bit harder and said “mummy I can’t rub the lines out your face”