Me: *reciting passage from The Satanic Bible*
Them: You idiot, what have you done? You WOKE the devil!
Lucifer: Intestines are just water slides for your poop
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Sometimes, when I think about the word ruminate, it gets embedded in my mind, and I just can’t stop thinking about it.
For someone who doesn’t have any friends, I seem to ask a lot of questions for them.
Why bother drinking water? You’re just gonna pee it out. This is what Big Water doesn’t want you to know.
Pspspspsps works on people too, not just cats
Our roofer is concerned (long story) that “our little ones might eat mulch.” I’m more concerned he’s seeing little ones I don’t know about.
Some days you’re just really stupid. 365 to be exact.
ME: wat if they dont like me
MOM: just be urself
ME: ok!
[comes home early in a masive cloud of bees]
ME: WAIT DID U SAY “BEE URSELF” OR “BE
How many lost cats walk by the telephone pole with their missing flier on it? Just another reason to teach your cat to read.
I hear the Pink Panther song when I sneak down the hall for a midnight snack..
This is not my forté. It’s not even my threeté if I’m being honest.
me: grandma u cant believe every article on facebook
also me:[reads thread on twitter] ok avril lavigne has definitely been dead since 2003
There are many effective ways of inviting me to your event but doing it on Facebook is definitely not one of them.
99% of people who quote Ayn Rand have either never read her or have never read her
When I asked for my wife’s hand in marriage, I didn’t realize how often I’d just get the finger.
For some reason, the Disney movie “101 Dalmatians” was much more popular than it’s sequel “Picking up Dog Shit for Eternity.”
I don’t mind being fully naked or my top half being naked, but I hate being naked from the waist down only. This is why I could never be a cartoon duck
Them: I wish for world peace
Me: May all the food you order resemble the picture on the menu
My coffee maker broke so I’m using my backup coffee maker and searching Amazon for a backup coffee maker for my backup coffee maker because what if my backup coffee maker breaks?
to the lifeguard saving me: how long can you hold your breath
[guy who’s about to invent dates]
*eating a meal* what if I could disappoint someone else at the same time?
Go to an open house and ask the realtor if they’ll stand in the basement with the door closed so you can hear if screams are audible outside
Darth Vader was built for COVID-19. Great face mask & the ability to force choke anyone within 6 feet.
Going to show my kids before and after pictures of Lindsay Lohan and say this girl didn’t think she needed a nap either.
When my boyfriend gives me a hug during an argument, it looks loving, but I’m just patting him down to make sure he’s not wearing a wire.
me: how often should I water it?
florist: you’ll just know
me: I absolutely will not
Happy: snack
Sad: snack
Stressed: snack
Confused: snack
Normal: snack
“Last night I was so drunk I replied to my own text”
DOCTOR: I have bad news
MAN WHO WOKE UP FROM 5 YR COMA: I don’t mind as long as I get to see my favorite gorilla from the Cincinnati zoo
[parking lot in the 80’s]
*man appears to be having a heart attack*
MY GRANDMA: calm down everyone, i know VCR
ME: that’s great, grandma. now he can record the shows he’s missing when he’s dead
I got about 8 seconds into explaining the Kate Middleton situation to my French husband before he told me, in the Frenchest voice imaginable, “ah yes, that’s why we decided not to have those sorts of people anymore”