Worm: These early birds are decimating our population.
Other worm: I’ve developed some tech that’ll impede their early rising abilities.
Worm: What is it?
Other worm: I call it “a YouTube rabbit hole”
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Just saw Stuart Little hit a kid and keep driving
Wife: “Ian is coming over.”
Me: “Ian from work or Ian who is good at disguises?”
Wife: “Ian-
*pulls off mask*
-who is good at disguises!”
Satisfied that he had all the ingredients he needed, Phineas moved on to the next big question – how to get it into the dog’s food.
why does saying their name 3x work for Bloody Mary and not for Brad Pitt?
So I just found some ham in my purse. How thoughtful of drunk me.
If you don’t think Colorado needs a wall then you’ve never met someone from Wyoming
Wrapping gifts and one kid has more than the other so to even it up I hope she likes this bag of potatoes.
Not saying I deserve a gold medal in parenting, but it’s 4:47 PM and my 4yo just yelled “FINE THEN, I’M GOING TO BED!” So you be the judge.
*Makes three typos while trying to correct one*
OK, I’m ready for Senior Mints now.
Pescaterian: eats fish
Pestcaterian: eats insects
Pezcaterian: eats candy from a cartoon character
[ocean’s 11 music]
So here’s the plan,we iron me flat, then slide me into an ATM via the card slot. Once inside, it’s a cash playground boys
To borrow a biblical term, couldn’t the quest for a Covid-19 vaccine be called “the road to de-mask us?”
I don’t think fish should be allowed to eat other fish. idk. just seems weird. that’s like your coworker dude
[1994]
dad: are you looking forward to Christmas
me: yes, i cant wait!!
dad: cool *slipping off wedding ring* how’d you like two of them?
Him: Is that a horse drawn carriage?
Her: I can’t quite tell
Horse: *sobbing* Well you try holding a pencil with your hooves
BILLION DOLLAR IDEA
A giant cinnamon roll that you sleep in, that becomes warm and edible when it’s time to wake up
*washes your smart car with a moist towelette*
How about a horror gameshow called “The Price is Right Behind You”
I live in fear of the day my kid asks “where’s all my other drawings?”
In a survival situation, you can drink your own urine. Fortunately, my Wi-Fi came back on just as I was filling the can.
I had a friend call to say they’re on their way over. I couldn’t think of an excuse fast enough to tell them I’m not home after I told them I was home when I answered the call.
The moral of the story? Don’t answer the phone. Ever.
Give me one good reason why I shouldn’t use an everything bagel as a loofah in the shower tomorrow
9: I’m going to live with you guys forever
me: I don’t ever want to hear those words come out of your mouth again
I bet you don’t believe it, but I lived on Mars for years.
However, only eating chocolate did rot my teeth.
#ChocolateDay #RubbishJokes
Throughout the entire Twilight saga, there are over 24 minutes of just staring.
My husband: All the flags are at half-mast this weekend.
Me: For Tina Turner?
My husband: [long, scathing pause] For Memorial Day.
Where did birds even sit to contemplate life before power lines were invented
Me reading cooking instructions off the bag I just threw out