@Mr_Kapowski

Me: *reclines* Nice

Wife: I still can’t believe you bought a used gynecological exam table

Me: I can see the tv perfectly between my legs

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@NoogsCorner

Women just want to make us better men, not drain our life essence. And sharks are just trying to kiss us but their teeth get in the way.

@NYC_Blonde

Rihanna knows that diamonds are buried in volcanic rocks and those beautiful things in the sky are just hot balls of gas, right?

@_Ms_Moneypenny_

Reasons he didn’t text you:
– He forgot.
– He fell asleep.
– His phone died.
– His pet died.
– His GF died.
– He died.
– He thinks you died.

@just1fool

Don’t ever talk to me in an elevator. It will just be uncomfortable. I don’t want to be put in that position. With my hand over your mouth.

@Divergentmama

Can’t. The kids just remembered we have a blender and this kitchen ceiling isn’t going to clean itself.

@kieransofar

me: what’s the difference between an american and an australian spider?

date: i don’t know

me: one is a spider you idiot

@pleatedjeans

[stands in church]
Geese be with you
[hands neighbor a beautiful goose]
And also w/you
[he hands me a different yet equally beautiful goose]

@trouteyes

Policeman: Name please
Iggy Pop: Iggy Pop
Policeman: Your FULL name
Iggy Pop: (Quietly) Ignatius Poppadom

@The_GetawayGirl

i started meditating and it changed my life i mean i just downloaded the app 5 minutes ago but still.