Me: *reclines* Nice

Wife: I still can’t believe you bought a used gynecological exam table

Me: I can see the tv perfectly between my legs

You Might Also Like


Women just want to make us better men, not drain our life essence. And sharks are just trying to kiss us but their teeth get in the way.


Rihanna knows that diamonds are buried in volcanic rocks and those beautiful things in the sky are just hot balls of gas, right?


Reasons he didn’t text you:
– He forgot.
– He fell asleep.
– His phone died.
– His pet died.
– His GF died.
– He died.
– He thinks you died.


Don’t ever talk to me in an elevator. It will just be uncomfortable. I don’t want to be put in that position. With my hand over your mouth.


Can’t. The kids just remembered we have a blender and this kitchen ceiling isn’t going to clean itself.


me: what’s the difference between an american and an australian spider?

date: i don’t know

me: one is a spider you idiot


[stands in church]
Geese be with you
[hands neighbor a beautiful goose]
And also w/you
[he hands me a different yet equally beautiful goose]


Policeman: Name please
Iggy Pop: Iggy Pop
Policeman: Your FULL name
Iggy Pop: (Quietly) Ignatius Poppadom


i started meditating and it changed my life i mean i just downloaded the app 5 minutes ago but still.