Me redecorating every room in my mind
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Hiding an engagement ring in a hot dog is harder than you think
If you’re wondering about who the oldest James Bond was, don’t google ‘old man bond age’
*Me being held for ransom*
Kidnapper: Give us the money or you’ll see him again!
*ghost hunter looking for ghosts in our bedroom turns on a blacklight*
Me: WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
Ghost Hunter: *eyes widen* Look at all the ectoplasm. It’s everywhere!
Me: That’s exactly what that is.
Just read the “Our Story” section on the back of my frozen burrito box and it said “one day my wife made me a burrito and it was so good I knew we had to start a frozen burrito business” and I just feel like not every boxed food needs a story. It’s ok to just not.
blood is thicker than water, which is my secret to winning the annual county fair gravy contest every year
It’s weird when one person from your college friend group gets rich but you’ve all stayed in touch & their Facebook posts are like “I have always loved Pearl Jam & it was magical to see them perform on my back patio for my birthday!!!”
[New Job Diary]
Day 1: They all seem very ni-SOMEONE TOOK MY LUNCH MY LUNCH IS GONE SOMEONE STOLE MY-oh wait nvm there it i-MY STAPLERS GONE
My neighbor’s wife put him on a diet so I’m slingshotting pretzel balls over the fence like a true bro
at my girlfriend’s house for thanksgiving and i asked if we could watch the game and she said “of course!” then put on a gossip girl thanksgiving episode
If my neighbor doesn’t want to hear my enthusiastic singing, why is she blasting Celine Dion at 2AM
I suspect that the deep state is using nanotechnology to make my underwear tighter and I don’t like it.
My ex said he would die for me. All I’m saying is, it was his suggestion.
ME: [Consoling my friend, whose dog has been missing for 3 weeks] It’s ok, I’m taking good care of her.
HIM: What?
ME: What?
Me:You have your good days. You have your bad days.
Wife: WHERE ARE THE CHILDREN?!
*sees a babe about to walk through a puddle*
“No no, allow me”
*gets on hands and knees and drinks the entire puddle so the babe stays dry*
I only do cardio because it’s impossible to stalk someone you can’t keep up with.
Instead of asking people to watch my laptop at a café, I just leave an open google search for “how to clean a yeast infection off a laptop”. Never been robbed yet. Still v single.
Me: You want some cereal?
2 year-old: Yay cereal!
Me: Want some Cinnamon Toast Crunch?
2: Yay cinnamon crack!
Me: Ok-wait, what??
Bean bag chairs are venus fly traps for anyone over 35.
One more missile failure and the Acme Corp. is going to lose that North Korea contract.
6: Mommy, why is that man wearing his baseball cap backwards?
Me: Because he was alive in the 1990s, sweetheart
Oh, you’re a witch? Name three children you’ve eaten.
Old MacDonald loaned me cash.
He I, he I owe.
Everyone “I learned a lesson ”
Me: “Imma do it again!”
If a chimp tries to sign up for your karate class, DO NOT LET HIM! He already has the strength & the anger. Don’t give him the skills.
If the world made any sense, all sperm whales would be male.
ME (at a bar where everybody knows my name): Hey—
EVERYBODY: DAVE! Get out of here.
I bet you don’t believe it, but I lived on Mars for years.
However, only eating chocolate did rot my teeth.
#ChocolateDay #RubbishJokes
Things a raccoon and I have in common:
1) Dark circles around the eyes.
2) Likes eating junk.
3) We’re both cute but will kill you.