Popeye was heart healthy because he liked to eat spinach and Olive Oil.
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[playing 7 minutes in heaven]
doctor: ok lol plug him back in now
When rapping in my car, I hold my phone to my ear so passersby think I’m on an intense business call.
My inflatable house got a puncture
last night.Now I’m living in a flat.
“Your package is running late and no one is more surprised and upset than we are.”
—Lies Amazon tells me.
When people ask What Would Jesus Do, I remember how he hid in that cave for 3 days after people were so mean to him.
That’s more my speed.
If you hide 48 eggs and tell your kids there are 50 you can get a little nap in.
There are 400 billion stars in our galaxy and perhaps two trillion galaxies in total, and I just wonder if Miss Universe fully understands her achievement.
The wind is about to blow me to Oz, so if you see me flying past your window.. mind your business.
[meteor hitting earth]
Dinosaur: oh no the economy !!
A Freudian sitcom would be How I Meant Your Mother
I’ve been experimenting with breeding racing deer.
People have accused me of just trying to make a fast buck.
My teenage son says that fanny packs are back in style at his high school. I HAVE BEEN WAITING FOR THIS MOMENT MY ENTIRE LIFE!
I’m having one of those days where nothing seems to be going write.
It’s important to be comfortable in your own skin…
Because, apparently, it’s illegal to wear someone else’s.
I get it dogs, I want to scream F-bombs every time the doorbell rings too.
If Mr Krabs owned a bar
I gave a yelp review once.
In my defense, it was my first bikini wax.
Hey feminists, 70% of a penny for your thoughts?
Help your friends diet by replacing the light in their fridge with an air horn.
Me, seeing a man proposing to a woman in public: Hey, this guy bothering you?
Needless to say, I don’t think it’s good news.
Browsing Prime this morning and clicked “Sort by Price: High to Low” like my life is some sort of rap video.
ASSISTANT: so what dimensions do the doors, hinges, walls, and locks need to be so that it all fits?
GUY WHO INVENTED PUBLIC BATHROOM STALLS: can’t stress how unimportant that part is
Thou shall not throw shade, if though cannot throw hands.
Thuggalations: 17:28
“I maul out of love” – Bear Supply
[drive thru] I just really need to talk about Buffy the Vampire Slayer and you’re the only one awake.
Cinderella: I lost another shoe
Prince Charming: *through clenched teeth* who is he
[home depot]
ME: do you have marble counters?
CLERK: sure, in the back of aisle 9
ME: oh thank god [carrying 2 huge buckets of marbles] I keep losing count around 1,000
me sober: i’m very shy and don’t like talking to people
me drunk: umm ok? these are my friends sue and dave, an older couple from england who are visiting nyc and don’t like hot dogs but are otherwise delightful
4-year-old: What happens if I throw up in the red shoe bin by the door?
Me: Why is your question alarmingly specific?
4: No reason.