If you’ve ever wondered if your drunk Uncle would make a good President you aren’t wondering anymore.
ME REGULARLY: *uses the same 3 things at home*
ME PACKING FOR VACATION: I wonder if I’ll need 4 French horns or 5
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“How’d the date go?”
Not good. Too many red flags.
*Flashback to her house being covered with USSR flags*
I think she might be a communist.
3 weeks ago: I can’t get plastic bags for my groceries?!?!! 😠
Today: I can’t get groceries. 😑
God bless the hundreds of people doomsday prepping at Costco right now and still eating the little food samples sitting out for everyone to touch #coronavirus
When I was little, my mom would read my fortune cookie. It would say things like, “Never lie about brushing your teeth or they will fall out,” or “Don’t play with Hanna, she’s not a nice girl,” or “Tomorrow you’re getting shots, don’t cry.”
#punsr PREDOMINANT: how to describe a young lady. . . before she gets married
Hahaha this stupid baby on the bus thinks they can cry louder than me
DRUG DEALER: *hands me the stuff*
ME [extremely street smart]: does this come in a generic version?
Apparently you can’t use the “don’t make me turn this car around” threat if your kids never wanted to go in the first place
This is my cat’s medicine.