@Home_Halfway

ME REGULARLY: *uses the same 3 things at home*

ME PACKING FOR VACATION: I wonder if I’ll need 4 French horns or 5

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@Social_Mime

If you’ve ever wondered if your drunk Uncle would make a good President you aren’t wondering anymore.

@ranndrew

“How’d the date go?”
Not good. Too many red flags.
*Flashback to her house being covered with USSR flags*
I think she might be a communist.

@j4ckd1

3 weeks ago: I can’t get plastic bags for my groceries?!?!! 😠
Today: I can’t get groceries. 😑

@erinosgood_

God bless the hundreds of people doomsday prepping at Costco right now and still eating the little food samples sitting out for everyone to touch #coronavirus

@3sunzzz

When I was little, my mom would read my fortune cookie. It would say things like, “Never lie about brushing your teeth or they will fall out,” or “Don’t play with Hanna, she’s not a nice girl,” or “Tomorrow you’re getting shots, don’t cry.”

#LiesYourParentsToldYou

@ayisi_yaw

#punsr PREDOMINANT: how to describe a young lady. . . before she gets married

@INDlAN_

Hahaha this stupid baby on the bus thinks they can cry louder than me

@ShortSleeveSuit

[dark alley]

DRUG DEALER: *hands me the stuff*

ME [extremely street smart]: does this come in a generic version?

@MelvinofYork

Apparently you can’t use the “don’t make me turn this car around” threat if your kids never wanted to go in the first place