ME REGULARLY: *uses the same 3 things at home*
ME PACKING FOR VACATION: I wonder if I’ll need 4 French horns or 5
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Wife- Don’t forget the trash.
Me *BATMAN VOICE- I’ll forget whatever I want.
Wife- What did you ju…
Me *Robin voice- I said, yes ma’am.
Ref: Call it in the air..
*flips coin*
Me: A QUARTER.
James Bond: Do you expect me to talk?
Therapist: That is how these things usually work.
Men should feel comfortable with weeping openly.
Especially in front of a vending machine where the Reece’s slot is empty
him: oh sorry I thought you worked here
me, in line at a haunted house: WOW
Might be time to get in shape. Halfway up these stairs and I’m considering setting up base camp and trying again in the morning.
I want to make fun of kanye but I’m always losing my shit on the internet too.
It feels mighty hypocritical.
Army ants must REALLY hate boot camp.
Highway to Hell is my favorite song about driving to work
I don’t understand why people are giving me weird looks. It’s like they’ve never seen someone in a sleeping bag in front of 7-Eleven on Slurpee Day.
My cat is meowing loudly so I told her to use her indoor voice and she was like, “bitch, I’m an indoor cat. This IS my indoor voice.”
This classic never gets old . . .
Toy Story (1995) – A influential local leader harasses an immigrant who is struggling to adapt to local customs.
Is Ham short for Hamuel or Hamantha?
Weighing your giraffe: a guide:
1) Become VERY strong
2) Weigh yourself
3) Weigh yourself again, holding your giraffe
4) Subtract figure one from figure two
If you’re happy and you know it, clap your hands. There’s nothing more endearing than happy people applauding themselves.
“someone broke into your room… and peed on you while you were asleep”
me: that’s right, officer
One time I did mushrooms and played GTA and felt regret for the lives I was taking I was all “Holy shit these people have families”
Atheists, if Jesus isn’t real then explain this.
When reading a friend’s work, always remember, it’s helpful to give brutally honest notes, especially if you have too many friends.
“Damn girl are you?” -Existentialist pick-up line
Matthew McConaughey walks into a bakery…
Matthew: “Can I get three loaves of bread please?”
Baker: “What type do you want sir?”
Matthew: “All rye, all rye, all rye.”
Those who carry teensy cute purses shouldn’t throw stones at those who wear cargo shorts, because I can carry more stones.
me: [waiting in line at the bank]
other bank robber: “keith just go to the front”
“those tattoos will make it harder to get a job” ok well so will my personality.
If oats can be milk, you can be whatever you want.
If it walks like a duck and it looks like a duck, the chances are she’s practising for her next selfie
Friend: *laughing at the crumbs on my sweater* Have you been eating cookies?
Me: Never ask about my art
Have to prepare for a work meeting so instead I cleaned my entire kitchen, hung up some paintings, varnished another, and organized my art supplies.
If a ship travels 24 knots per hour and the trip is five hours then how was there not enough room for Jack on that door??