Me: 🎶 Yesterday, all my troubles seemed so far away 🎶
Optometrist: “You need glasses.”
You Might Also Like
Repair guy: your AC unit is 26 years old which makes it hard to stay cool
Me: well I’m 42 and I’m still cool
Repair guy:
Me: *winks*
Alexa, set the neighbor’s fire alarms for 3am.
Wizard of Oz: The good news is I can give you a human heart
Tin Man: Then what’s the bad news
Wizard of Oz: We’re gonna need an umanhay acrificesay *side nodding at Dorothy*
if you find yourself struggling creatively take a step back and realize that you are also struggling financially so at least you’re consistent
i will avenge u mr van gogh
Kid: Will you be mad if I said the “s” word?
Me: Do you mean “shit?”
Kid: Yeah, that one.
Me: Depends how you said it.
Kid: Well, I accidentally told our dog to “shit” instead of “sit.”
Me: (chuckles) No baby, I’m not mad.
Kid: Well, I did it 7 times.
them: what time do you put your kids to bed
me: as soon as possible
me, every single month: why do i feel like shit. why am i so bloated. why am i so upset. i have never felt like this before in my life
Me: my grandfather was George Washington
Date: don’t you mean your great great great great great great grandfather
Me: i mean he was okay
All along the watchtower, people squinted and said “I told you we should have built a clock tower.”
Better than a Justin Bieber concert:
1. Being deaf.
2. A rattlesnake bite.
3. Chewing razor blades.
4. Licking a public toilet seat.
“This was the only way I could speak with you in private. That human woman? She’s trying to kill you.”
Best bird cliques…
A “murder” of crows
A “flamboyance” of flamingos
A “fall” of woodcocks…aka dudes who realize they’ve been catfished
I love British antique shows because every piece has a rich history and the Brits are so blasé about it.
“Do you know anything about this teapot?”
“My grandfather used it to beat a Nazi to unconsciousness while doing espionage work during WWII.”
“Mmm-hmm. Beautiful etching.”
Nose
If you have a headache, do what it says on the aspirin bottle: Take two, and KEEP AWAY FROM CHILDREN.
reading rob zombie’s name is a real wild ride. at first you’re like “rob? ok, i know what we’re dealing with here”. then things get weird
*Me coming home with a Bloodied nose*
Wife: OMG, Are you OK?
Me: I’m fine, You should see the other Guy!
Wife: I agree, He’s taller and better looking.
Me: Wait, What??
Sex is great, but have you ever ate some fries after doing keto for 6 months?
Accidentally played dad instead of dead when I encountered a bear and now it can ride a bike without training wheels.
The ouija board message was “if you’re reading this, I’m already dead”.
Twitter is a good place to meet men. The odds are good but the goods are odd.
I can’t stand lactose intolerant people who work at ice cream parlors. They can dish it out but they can’t take it.
Trying to binge watch a show when you’re a parent takes about 20 years, apparently.
“I’m excited for the continental breakfast”
*sees a buffet just full of ice cubes*
“What the…”
Sign: Today’s Continent is Antartica
E-thugs. Because talking shit in person is dangerous.
[First date]
“So, do you have any pets?”
Yeah, I have a pet crow. He’s white.
“You have an albino crow?”
He prefers the term cawcasian.
What
i know walt disney is sweating in his grave watching a yellow sponge slowly replace mickey mouse as the most iconic cartoon figure
Math never tried to solve any of my problems.