Person: Aw! How old is your dog?
Me: (whispering) I don’t know. (Covers dog’s ears) She’s adopted.
Me: release the kraken!
Friend: what’s a kraken?
Me: Not much what’s a kraken with you? lol. no but seriously a lot of people are going to die.
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American Ninja Warrior is a bunch of people who took “the floor is lava” game way to seriously as kids.
wife: Why would you bring a dog to an interview?
me: Why wouldn’t you bring a dog to an interview?
Officer: is there anything in your car I should know about?
Me: *remembers photo album filled with 1,000 pics of my dog* OMG YES
[little snake covering himself with glue before school so his crush will think he started shedding]
Walking dead spoiler alert. There are zombies and they like to try & eat people but the people are like “nuh uh zombie, we don’t want that”
he speaks in typos
EVERYTHING IS JUST FIND BRENDA!
ok maybe we should take 5
Just got your text from Saturday. Are you still being kidnapped?
Guy getting on elevator in my office building..” Going Down?”
Me: “No, but I’ve got time for a hug”
[their last appetizer]
Her: I don’t want it. You have it.
Him: I don’t want it either, you…
Me: *reaches onto their table and takes it