@LlamaInaTux

Me: release the kraken!

Friend: what’s a kraken?

Me: Not much what’s a kraken with you? lol. no but seriously a lot of people are going to die.

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@mamapjs1

Person: Aw! How old is your dog?
Me: (whispering) I don’t know. (Covers dog’s ears) She’s adopted.

@Landon8426

American Ninja Warrior is a bunch of people who took “the floor is lava” game way to seriously as kids.

@iwearaonesie

wife: Why would you bring a dog to an interview?
me: Why wouldn’t you bring a dog to an interview?

@ericsshadow

Officer: is there anything in your car I should know about?

Me: *remembers photo album filled with 1,000 pics of my dog* OMG YES

@iamspacegirl

[little snake covering himself with glue before school so his crush will think he started shedding]

@Goofpoops

Walking dead spoiler alert. There are zombies and they like to try & eat people but the people are like “nuh uh zombie, we don’t want that”

@panmidwest

THERAPIST:
what’s wrong?

WIFE:
he speaks in typos

ME:
EVERYTHING IS JUST FIND BRENDA!

THERAPIST:
ok maybe we should take 5

ME:
food idea

@dreamthievin

Just got your text from Saturday. Are you still being kidnapped?

@BoucheDag2k

Guy getting on elevator in my office building..” Going Down?”

Me: “No, but I’ve got time for a hug”

@LackOfShame

[their last appetizer]

Her: I don’t want it. You have it.

Him: I don’t want it either, you…

Me: *reaches onto their table and takes it