@LlamaInaTux

Me: release the kraken!

Friend: what’s a kraken?

Me: Not much what’s a kraken with you? lol. no but seriously a lot of people are going to die.

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@dril

ISSUE: is the road runner wile e coyote’s son
FOR: thhey, seem to respect each other, on some level
AGAINST: one of them is a dog

@thequeensheart

I just found a marshmallow Santa in my desk drawer, I’m guessing I shouldn’t eat it.

*wipes chocolate from mouth

@lawking30

She asked for my name, if I’m alone, had me remove belt/shoes & take out what I have in my pants. Interactions w/TSA agents are underrated.

@wienerherzog

The Goonies went looking for pirate treasure and ended up finding the greatest treasure of all: pirate treasure.

@samalmightysam

”I want to ruin some songs today.” -The producers of Glee every morning.

@DaddyJew

Parent: my child’s reading at a 3rd grade level, what reading level is your son at?

Me: he knows some curse words but not all of them yet

@ClichedOut

“Opps” is my favorite typo because it suggests the thrill of a secret counterinsurgency.