Me: release the kraken!
Friend: what’s a kraken?
Me: Not much what’s a kraken with you? lol. no but seriously a lot of people are going to die.
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[GF comes home to find our son alone]
Where are you? I said to watch him like a hawk!
ME: [soaring 20m above w/ a beakful of mice] I AM
my gf left me cuz i’m insecure
never mind she’s back she went pee
internet flirting is all fun and games until someone buys a plane ticket
My wife said she hides snacks from me so she can put them out when guests come over, in case you were wondering why I invited you here tonight.
Welcome to Earth, where we hate each other and put ketchup on everything.
Netflix needs to stop asking if I’m still watching and start asking if I switched the laundry over yet.
BRAKING NEWS!!
Why isn’t Cindy spelled Sindie? Whoever caid C makes an S cound was ctupid.
I find it hilarious that this ant is pretending like he doesn’t care that I can kill him with one finger. Yea okay, keep walking tough guy.
[family feud]
Steve Harvey: Top 5 answers on the board, name a place you would plant evidence…
Me: *buzzes first* EVIDENCE GARDEN
I want you to be cuter than you are, but alas I am drunk and you are a tree.
Me: Your wifi isn’t working
Dad: Well, it’s right next to you!
Me: Yes it’s obviously something I’m doing wrong. I’ll wifi harder
“Sorry, I can’t work today due to the snow”
“But… we work from home anyway?”
“Yeah, sorry, the snow’s really bad here”
“But we have a Zoom call in…”
“I know, sorry. Hopefully it’ll clear up by tomorrow!”
Humans are pretty civilized until a t-shirt is being thrown into a crowd.
Ziiipppp, zip, zip, zip, ziiiipppp!
*Me, dramatically ending a marital spat during a camping trip
The shopkeeper in my local store is such a nice guy and he often offers candy for my kids. I’ve resisted so far but if he throws in a quart of vodka too he has himself a deal.
You can’t keep eating people’s lunches from the break room & blaming the Taliban. A lot of what you’ve been stealing is pork for one thing.
I agree noisy knees. I SHOULD stay on the couch
shoutout to Disney for giving me unrealistic expectations about love, talking animals and my singing voice
Me: Those shoes are fresh!
12: Mom. No.
Me: Don’t be whack.
Her hands were garlic breadsticks of action. Her face was a Cesar salad of expression.
ASK NOT WHAT YOUR COUNTRY CAN DO FOR YOU
ASK IF YOUR COUNTRY IS THE REASON YOU CAN’T LOOK AT YOUR NEWSFEED WITHOUT SCREAMING IN TONGUES
fred flintstone: I’ve got a problem with my car
podiatrist: let’s take a look
My kids are having fun in that “Someone’s going to the ER” kind of way.
Dear bill collectors, if you want me to answer the phone, instead of “no caller ID” try something like “free shoes”
The fortune teller flips over the tarot card and looks confused.
You lean forward to sneak a glance. “Is— Is that a flaming dumpster?” you ask nervously.
I can’t even tell you how much I would not enjoy this
Being a dad is great. On Christmas morning I’m just as surprised as the kids when they open the presents we bought them.
People on social media: Look at me! Look at what I’m eating! Give me attention!
People in cars: Why would anyone care that I’m about to turn?
Hipsters is what happens when you tell every child they’re special.