ME: *releases kraken*
KRAKEN: *hesitates, looks back*
ME: go on you big dummy, get, go

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To the goth guy in my college dining hall who always ate waffles: I’m sorry I only knew you as “Waffle Goth.” You were surely more complex.


A snake is what happens when a string goes “what if I was alive and had a weird mad looking head”


I have sitting jeans and I have standing jeans, but I don’t have a pair that’ll do both.


“I see your bet and raise you all my hair since 6th grade. Oh and this pen.”
“Sir that’s not-
“You got a problem with pens?”


[sees hot girl in bar]

me: [takes wedding ring off] so… do you come here often?

her: give me back my ring


I feel so stupid for believing in Santa Claus. How did I not realize this whole time it was my parents delivering the gifts to everyone in the world



Her: You didn’t bring food?

Him: No

Her: Or toilet paper?

Him: Why would we need toilet paper if we don’t have food?


I support Greenpeace because I care about environmental activism, just not enough to do any of the real work myself.


I never text and drive bc that would imply that I actually go places.


You gotta kiss a lotta frogs to get a lotta desperate late-night texts from frogs.