The block button is just the adult version of sticking your fingers in your ears and repeating “I can’t hear you” over and over
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“Bjork” would make a great name for a beet-based pork substitute.
Somewhere there’s a person named Current Resident who has to read every piece of junk mail.
“Stop counting”—-me to my Visa card bill
“Honey, it’s time we talk to him about the roaches & the fleas”
“You mean the birds & the bees?”
“DEAR GOD WOMAN HAVE YOU SEEN HIS ROOM!”
Me: I’d never go to Australia. Everything there wants you dead.
Her: You should feel right at home then.
Me: 😐
My boyfriend’s really happy we can meet up again now lockdown’s over
My husband not so much so
ME: No idea why I can’t sleep right now
FOUR EMPTY CUPS OF COFFEE: uhhh—
ME: [avoiding eye contact] No idea at all
I don’t really like the paper towel holder setup here.
Time for a new house.
HIM: tell me your wildest fantasy
ME: i’m on wheel of fortune and i spin it so hard it lights on fire
HIM: i meant like-
ME: everyone claps
Pulling out the ouija board at the office and asking Craig from accounting if I can hit up his widow
SOMEONE LEFT. A FULL PLATE OF COOKIES. AND A GLASS OF MILK. RIGHT BY THE FIREPLACE FOR ME. I AM NOT KIDDING. WHAT A NIGHT
If you pass the drug test at dominos they fire you
I remember this one time I peed in the pool. The lifeguard yelled so loud I almost fell in.
*Cleans house*
*looks at family*
“I’m going to have to ask you to leave”
I haven’t swam competitively since I was a sperm.
Quick question guys. Why is my therapist putting on boxing gloves?
Me: What’s the wifi password?
Barman: You need to buy a drink first.
Me: Okay, I’ll have a coke.
Barman: Is Pepsi okay?
Me: Sure. How much is that?
Barman: £3.
Me: There you go. So what’s the wifi password?
Barman: You need to buy a drink first. No spaces, all lowercase.
[Quarantine, Day 5]
Me: Amelia, push my afternoon meetings this conference call is running long
My daughter’s Amelia Bedelia doll wearing a Bluetooth:
[First date]
DATE: Tell me something unique about yourself.
ME: Well, I always sleep with one arm under my pillow.
DATE: Lots of people do that. Anything more interesting?
ME: It’s not my arm.
Just went through a month of transactions on my bank account because someone has been spending my money… and lo and behold – it was me
If Jennifer Love Hewitt so much, maybe she should marry her!
[Subway]
ME: i’ll have a footlong meatball sub on Italian herb & cheese thanks
SUBWAY: *train noises*
me: i am not a religious person i prefer to use science as my basis for belief
also me: potato chips taste different when you open the bag from the bottom
*licks lips*
*makes eye contact*
‘You gonna eat that wing?’
I never judge a book by its cover.
People, though, I can tell are evil by their stupid faces.
Desperately searching the dating app settings for an option to turn down the difficulty level.
Guy just walking down the street minding his own business when bodega gato runs out and jumps up on his walker. They just standing / sitting at this impasse for like five full min now…
My husband wants me to seek help with my substance abuse problem. I even caught him throwing away my latest Bath & Body Works coupons.
As your goth personal trainer, I urge you to stay in shape so that you can outrun your haunted past.
please stand back I’m about to make this worse