@drankturpentine

ME: *releases kraken*
KRAKEN: *hesitates, looks back*
ME: go on you big dummy, get, go

You Might Also Like

@Jordan_Morris

To the goth guy in my college dining hall who always ate waffles: I’m sorry I only knew you as “Waffle Goth.” You were surely more complex.

@audipenny

A snake is what happens when a string goes “what if I was alive and had a weird mad looking head”

@AnniemuMary

I have sitting jeans and I have standing jeans, but I don’t have a pair that’ll do both.

@ibid78

“I see your bet and raise you all my hair since 6th grade. Oh and this pen.”
“Sir that’s not-
“You got a problem with pens?”

@MarfSalvador

[sees hot girl in bar]

me: [takes wedding ring off] so… do you come here often?

her: give me back my ring

@frogshack

I feel so stupid for believing in Santa Claus. How did I not realize this whole time it was my parents delivering the gifts to everyone in the world

@MarfSalvador

[Camping]

Her: You didn’t bring food?

Him: No

Her: Or toilet paper?

Him: Why would we need toilet paper if we don’t have food?

@FloodyHippie

I support Greenpeace because I care about environmental activism, just not enough to do any of the real work myself.

@mjkspeaks

I never text and drive bc that would imply that I actually go places.

@bazecraze

You gotta kiss a lotta frogs to get a lotta desperate late-night texts from frogs.