Me: Remember how you said childbirth felt like the worst pain I could think of, multiplied by a hundred?
Wife: Yes
Me: My mom gave away a hundred of my Pokémon cards
Wife:
Me: *crying* I get it now, babe
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“That’s so cool,” she lied.
The way my mom slapped the TV remote not only did it start working it gave up its dreams and is studying to become an engineer
new dad Todd: lol check out what I did with my baby
friend: lmao dude did you actually put him in a treetop
Todd: lmao the wind rocks him so I don’t have to
friend: yo what if the bough breaks or some shit hahaha
Todd (suddenly serious): bro why would you even say that
You’re not respected until you’ve been led away from a buffet by police.
All along the watchtower, people squinted and said “I told you we should have built a clock tower.”
I respected tiger sharks a lot more after I realized how many hurdles tigers and sharks had to overcome to breed with each other.
“Let the jerk-off begin!”
As the other contestants begin seasoning their meats I look at my bottle of lotion and realize I’ve misunderstood
Today I learned that you never bring a ‘I did the dishes’ to a ‘you never pick things up’ fight
If they ban straws, that means I can no longer flirtatiously blow the straw wrapper at my date and that is literally my only move.
[me adjusting paintball mask] it’s too bad we aren’t on the same team
date: yeah
date: I’m an expert in volcanology
me: *mouthful of bread* why do they have pointy ears?
Me, at the intervention: “Ah look, all the reasons I drink gathered in one place.”
PAC-MAN: *eating his third ghost* You know, these just aren’t filling.
Mountain Goat : )
8y/o: Do prisons have libraries?
Me: Yeah, usually.
8y/o: Yay! So I can still read when I’m in prison.
I’m glad we’re finally banning plastic straws. It’s about time we started caring about camels and their fragile backs
[commercial for soup]
NARRATOR: ever wanna drink a sandwich?
Half the people who follow me are waiting for the nervous breakdown; the other half follow because they’re easily impressed by semicolons.
“A mean dog is terrorizing people a few towns over. I am going to drive over there & yell at him from my car.” – Barack Obama
Bartender: What can I get you, gorgeous?
Me: The blood of all my enemies.
Bartender:
Me:
Bartender:
Me: Miller Light
COP: what do you think made Gordon Ramsay assault you?
ME: well, he said he was going to show me how to make a three bean chili and when i said a chili should have like, at least thirty beans in it, that’s when he threw the spatula at me
I choose toothpaste NOT recommended by dentists… those sneaky tooth-fiddlers have a lot to gain from promoting one that doesn’t work.
I’m an asshole.
Sent from my Apple Watch
Mom asked me what it’s like being a single middle aged woman so I took a handful of cat & dog hair from my purse and threw it in her coffee.
have unfortunately discovered you can ask gpt4 to write you a rupi kaur poem and it does a really good job
Killing Eve is trending and I thought we had a new holiday.
just make the entire table out of coaster
HER: I can’t believe you made a pillow fort for day drinking in.
ME: ᵖˡᵉᵃˢᵉ ᶜᵃˡˡ ᶦᵗ ᶜᵃˢᵗˡᵉ ᴳʳᵉʸ ᴳᵒᵒˢᵉ ˢᵏᵘˡˡ
HER:
ME:
HER:
ME: ᴵ ʰᵃᵛᵉ ᵗʰᵉ ᵖᵒʷᵉʳ
HER: You have a problem.