ME: Remember Lake Geneva?
WIFE: Please, not this again.
ME: Those were good TINES.
WIFE: Will this ever get old?
ME: Not a FORKING chance.
WIFE: It’s annoying and stupid.
ME: Those are valid POINTS.
WIFE: Enough.
ME: Can’t HANDLE it?
WIFE: I mean it.
ME: Do my jokes make UTENSIL?
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Music can take you places instantly.
Like whenever I hear Nickelback
playing on my car radio…It instantly takes me to another station.
When a woman says, “We need to talk”, it’s no good. Never has a woman said, “We need to talk” and followed it up with “about pillow forts”.
“Florida is insane.” Bro, we ain’t even trying right now. Imagine how powerful we would be if we all had dental insurance.
Gaslighting one person isn’t enough. I’m scheduling a town hall meeting.
6-year-old: Spill me some milk.
Me: You mean “pour.”
6: Not the way you do it.
Boss to our group: “Let’s talk about what inspires you. Mike, you go first.”
Me: *Goes home*
I can’t believe there was a time in my life when someone had to make me take a nap.
I bought a metal detector.
Beach better have my money.
This year’s Christmas must-haves? Food, water and shelter! #theclassics
Interior designer: Ugh, this is old and outdated.
Me: Wait, did you just point at me?
Me, 87 times before falling asleep: want to go outside???
Dog: meh
Me *falls asleep*
Dog: hey stupid wake up I need to go out
Them: CHOOSE YOUR WEAPON.
Me: Nachos.
Them: YOU– wait, dude, this is a battle to the death.
Me: *mouth full of nachos* Yeah, and who’s the real winner here?
Don’t make eye contact
Don’t make eye contact
Don’t make eye contact“Would you like to buy some girl scout cookies?”
SURE!
…bringing the total amount of cookies to 348
Missing area man described as boringly conventional, was easily found by multiplying height x width.
[In bed with gf]
“Do you have any fantasies?”
Yeah, one. You know your friend Sarah, the hot one?
“Yes.. why?”
I want to hit her with my car
Doctors say eating a piece of Bacon takes 9 mins off your life…if my math is correct i died in 1781
If you can’t handle me at my worst you’re really missing out on some interesting things to tell your therapist
The average person swallows 8 spiders in their sleep but it’s actually one guy who’s chowing down like 7500 a night to make the numbers work
At first I was decayed, I was putrefied,
Kept thinking I could never live without formaldehyde…
Having kids is like living with an on-line troll you can’t unfollow.
[simba and nala sit atop pride rock staring at a beautiful sunset]
simba: *pulls engagement ring from his hip pocket* circle of wife amirite!
nala:
simba:
nala: where’d you get a hip pocket?
This can never not be funny 😭😭
*CRASH*
*THUMP*
*SCREAM**Husband runs into bedroom*
H: OHMYGOD ARE YOU OKAY?
Me: Yeah. Just taking off my sports bra.
I was raised as an only child…. it totally pissed off my siblings
5: Whose car is this?
Grandfather: Well, let’s figure it out. I just got here and the car just got here. Whose car do you think it is?
5: Mine.
Telling my Gen Z coworker that I have email addresses older than her was not the flex I thought it would be
Dog knew jumping the last level was a waste of energy…🐕🐾😅
You hit a couple of curbs, take out a trash can and all of a sudden it’s “you can’t drive”.
A lot of people ask me “why do you lie about the high number of people asking you things?”