If anyone is still on Facebook, please check on my parents.
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applebees is a word that starts off pretty tame but takes a dangerous twist
Me: 🙂
Facial recognition: nope, don’t see it
Me: 😐
Facial recognition: noooo?
Me: 🤨
Facial recognition: no
Me: 😒
Facial recognition: mayyybe??? nvm, no
Me: 🥴
Facial recognition: THERE YOU ARE
Officers asking me why I’m speeding like they don’t know people fast during Lent.
I wonder how long the first person to deliver twins waited before they realized that was the last one
[cats plan a heist]
Ok…Max, u cut the alarm. Felix, u open the safe. Um…any ideas for a getaway car?
*Mittens drifts by on a roomba*
Perfect
Yoga isn’t as easy as you’d think a few drinks in…
I hate the word Fiancée. Why do i have to speak french just because youre getting married
Having defeated the floor lamp, 4 plants & one “unbreakable” cat toy, my idiot cat has now waged war against my laundry.
The Battle of the Bra is in full swing.
Server: Would you like to try our new bacon-wrapped…
Me: YES!
Save money by just buying bigger pants instead of paying a one year gym membership
I watched DJ Khaled on SNL and I still have absolutely no idea what it is he does exactly.
i had such a profoundly vivid dream of my neighbour drowning in the creek soon that i wanted to warn him but didn’t want to look crazy so i disguised my handwriting by using a twig from an ash tree dipped in blood and slipped under his front door a note that says BEWARE THE WATER
[Fat lady goes to the zoo]
Zebra – What the hell is she wearing?
Bear – It looks like your mom
That awkward moment when you make eye contact with a cute guy in the mall food court as you’re slurping up a 2-foot long noodle.
Sup?
*tries to impress date by eating spaghetti with a straw*
THEM: in 186 days an asteroid is going to collide with Earth
EVERYONE ELSE: *screaming*
ME: *deletes MyFitnessPal app*
I know I’m getting old when I see a beautiful 19 year old girl and I wonder what her mother looks like.
[being murdered at work]
Me: *being murdered*
Murderer: *murdering me*
Boss: let me know how I can help(it is unclear who he’s talking to)
Never ask anyone eating their meal directly out of a pot on the stove how their day was
I shake my bottled water so the H’s & O’s are evenly distributed.
Website: Make a password
Me: Ok
Website: Make it STRONGER so you don’t get HACKED
Me: Wow alright
Website: Damn that’s a strong password
[1 Week Later]
Website: You got hacked
Me: But my password was so strong
Website: Yeah the whole site got hacked. Our bad
“I’m gonna sneak past you.” No you’re not. You’ve alerted me.
News “Don’t go outside. The temperatures are life threatening”
Hot flash “LOL. Challenge accepted.”
Friend: Ugh, this is going to cost an arm & a leg.
Me: *pats backpack* I’ve got you covered. The hospitals just throw these things out.
ME: did u know that there’s no scientific evidence that flossing helps?
DENTIST: this is my daughter’s dance recital. Please leave us alone
Why is mild cheddar even a thing? Who are these people who can’t handle sharp cheddar & why are they allowed to influence the cheese market?
Candlesticks, for when you want to be stylish but also might need a murder weapon.
[Having a tea party]
Kid: *takes sip, spits it out*
Me: Oops, I gave you the wrong one! So sorry that’s Mommy’s “tea”
I hate when I’m hanging up my clothes and I find an unused exercise bike from 1987.
Person: How are you going to get over this curb?
Me [from my wheelchair]: I don’t know. This curb and I have been through a lot together.