Idea for a ghost hunting show: have calm people investigate shit
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Spider-Man, but set in rural Norfolk so he just has to walk everywhere.
I hope this magician is good [curtain rises to reveal a man with no goatee] get your coats, children. that man is a fraud.
So many cheeses would work as baby names:
Brie
Asiago
Monterrey Jack
Goat
For the love of God, if you leave me a voicemail, don’t just say “Call me back.” Tell me what it’s in regards to so I can prepare my defense
I’ve had 3 Red Bulls today and now I can taste my heartbeat.
“So I go east? Then west? Then back east?”
~ Me, drunk and getting directions from the inflatable stick figure in front of a car dealership
E. Coli and the dysenteries is a great name for a band
At this point the only thing Lady Gaga could do that would shock me is to come out on stage wearing a sensible pantsuit from Talbots.
Like boxes of shit in your house? Get a cat.
I thought reverse psychology was when you made your therapist cry
How can I say no to this ?
I don’t always go the extra mile
But when I do…
It’s because I missed my exit.
[first day as undercover cop]
me: [in full uniform] lol always takes a while to get used to new routines
mobster:
For a brief moment I confusedly ask myself, “Am I Hannah?”
My husband booked a hotel room for Valentine’s day. It was wonderful. I had the whole house to myself!
Don’t be alarmed,
you’re not a clock.
Finding out how big of a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles fan I truly am was understandably pretty tough for my daughters, Raphael & Leonardo.
*Condom Co*
[ok, don’t let them know ur a frog]
“Any ideas how we can make our condoms more pleasurable for her?”
ME: Ribbit
“Genius”
The fortune teller flips over the tarot card and looks confused.
You lean forward to sneak a glance. “Is— Is that a flaming dumpster?” you ask nervously.
If Nostradamus had been any good he’d have called his book of prophecies ‘Predictive Text’.
Gwyneth Paltrow: *gestures down there* I need this waxed
Yankee Candle: Please leave
Sure you call it a college fund for your kid, yet deep in your heart you know it’s bond money.
I’ll never forget the day we met. That’s the great thing about police records
Me: Excuse me, may I have a straw please?
*entire restaurant gasps*
There’s a 99.9% chance that no one on twitter is your soulmate. There’s also a 99.9% chance your spouse agrees.
Where in the hell are Dora the Explorer’s parents? Do they know she’s riding a damn crocodile into a volcano?
Nobody:
Kindergartener learning consonant sounds: F-f-fish starts with F and f-f-frog starts with F too, and my mom says a word that starts with F but it sounds kind of like duck. *pause* I don’t know if I’m supposed to say THAT here.
I just convinced my toddler to play Rock Paper Scissors alone because she was cheating and she just quit against herself because she was cheating
when you order from DoorDastardly
Someone thanked me, and, caught between ‘ok’ and ‘alright’, I whispered ‘karate’ back at them.