Me: Remember when Rodney King got beat up and everyone had that weird party in LA?

Jill: It was a riot.

Me: It wasn’t funny Jill.

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A thoughtful Romcom about mansplaining called “Well, Actually”


I want to be a Walmart greeter just so I can tell customers who come in “everyone enters, but not everyone leaves”


Using the phrase “what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger,” only shows that you’re unoriginal and know nothing about spinal cord injuries.


7yr old daughter walked in the room, casually confirmed, “You have to have a backstory to why you’re evil, right?” And walked out.


*Wife sends me a link*
*I click on link*
*Buy whatever’s at the link*
*wait for delivery*

~Christmas shopping for my wife


Attenborough has no respect for crabs. Always gives them ridiculous music. They are jesters to him


[Jesus at Last Supper]
*breaks bread* This is my body
*pours wine* This is my blood
*opens jar of mayo*
Judas: I’m gonna stop u right there


For what I lack in imagination, I more than make up for in something else.


Dogs are probably really excited about dog sledding before they find out what it actually is.