@OctopusCaveman

Me: Remember when Rodney King got beat up and everyone had that weird party in LA?

Jill: It was a riot.

Me: It wasn’t funny Jill.

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@ThugRaccoons

A thoughtful Romcom about mansplaining called “Well, Actually”

@bornmiserable

I want to be a Walmart greeter just so I can tell customers who come in “everyone enters, but not everyone leaves”

@Scigglez

Using the phrase “what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger,” only shows that you’re unoriginal and know nothing about spinal cord injuries.

@kellyoxford

7yr old daughter walked in the room, casually confirmed, “You have to have a backstory to why you’re evil, right?” And walked out.

@TheBoydP

*Wife sends me a link*
*I click on link*
*Buy whatever’s at the link*
*wait for delivery*

~Christmas shopping for my wife

@AngstromHoot

Attenborough has no respect for crabs. Always gives them ridiculous music. They are jesters to him

@huntigula

[Jesus at Last Supper]
*breaks bread* This is my body
*pours wine* This is my blood
*opens jar of mayo*
Judas: I’m gonna stop u right there

@bingowings14

For what I lack in imagination, I more than make up for in something else.

@SamReidSays

Dogs are probably really excited about dog sledding before they find out what it actually is.