Me *remembering my therapist said to be confident enough to answer questions* I’m under the table

Murderer: ok thanks

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Cop : “Lets Do a drug test” Me: “Cool, which drugs are we testing?”


Girl, are you an environmentalist?

‘Cuz everytime you walk into a room you turn it into a heavily wooded area.


me [after tossing your baby a piece of cheese] A dog would have caught it


GUY WHO INVENTED JACK-O-LANTERNS: I bet this gourd would be cooler if it looked like it wanted to murder me.


Remember, you are statistically more likely to be killed by a donkey than a plane crash.

[Donkey Pilot turns and does throat slit gesture]


the dance of freedom. the death bells. the rising of the joker.

one of the most magnificent, sublime, monumental, extraordinary scenes in cinema history


god: call them deer

angel: ok. what do they look like

god: eh pretty normal

angel: ok

god: [suddenly] put a tree on its face


COLLEGE STUDENT: Mom wants me to be a doctor, but I really just want to be one of those people who takes your money at the bank.

DAD: Teller

COLLEGE STUDENT: I do but she doesn’t listen


[hot air balloon ride]
DAD: *kicks basket* how many miles you get in this thing?


Love is patient. Love is kind. Love has never been in a relationship apparently.