@wizdom
Cop : “Lets Do a drug test” Me: “Cool, which drugs are we testing?”
@ArfMeasures
Me *remembering my therapist said to be confident enough to answer questions* I’m under the table
Murderer: ok thanks
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@wizdom
@Contwixt
Girl, are you an environmentalist?
‘Cuz everytime you walk into a room you turn it into a heavily wooded area.
@iwearaonesie
me [after tossing your baby a piece of cheese] A dog would have caught it
@truegritrumble
GUY WHO INVENTED JACK-O-LANTERNS: I bet this gourd would be cooler if it looked like it wanted to murder me.
@thepunningman
Remember, you are statistically more likely to be killed by a donkey than a plane crash.
[Donkey Pilot turns and does throat slit gesture]
@platinumjones
the dance of freedom. the death bells. the rising of the joker.
one of the most magnificent, sublime, monumental, extraordinary scenes in cinema history
@aspiringtoucan
god: call them deer
angel: ok. what do they look like
god: eh pretty normal
angel: ok
god: [suddenly] put a tree on its face
@QwertyJones3
COLLEGE STUDENT: Mom wants me to be a doctor, but I really just want to be one of those people who takes your money at the bank.
DAD: Teller
COLLEGE STUDENT: I do but she doesn’t listen
@momjeansplease
[hot air balloon ride]
DAD: *kicks basket* how many miles you get in this thing?
@yoyoha
Love is patient. Love is kind. Love has never been in a relationship apparently.