Me *remembering my therapist said to be confident enough to answer questions* I’m under the table
Murderer: ok thanks
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[hostage situation]
Any last words?
“Nah, I’m good.”
If you insist. *puts gun to head* Say you’re prayers.
“You are prayers. Lol.”
[counseling]
She gets angry a lot
“He took me camping and left me in the middle of nowhere”
YOU SAID YOU LIKED SURVIVOR, KAREN
her: [during roleplay] come get me
me: [struggling to get up with my ninja turtle shell on] no you get me
[trust fall exercise at work]
CW: *closes eyes, falls, hits floor* OUCH! WTF?! YOU DIDN’T CATCH ME!
M: Sorry, I thought it was optional.
The first matador
Oh, you want me to join you at your family’s cabin? Should I tie myself up and climb into your trunk too?
What’s the longest you’ve walked around looking for your raccoon when it was on your head the whole time.
My personal best is 16 hours.
Our Summer schedule is now out! No one gets you to the beach faster. Book now.
[egg hatches and a duck billed platypus pops out]
Mummy duck:…
Daddy duck: WHAT THE ACTUAL FU
Otter: Clive, now, calm down, lemme explain.
Teachers at the pre-school ask why I’m in a good mood in the morning…
I’m like, “Duh…did you not see me just leave my kids with you?”
Why doesn’t Popeye’s serve spinach?
Searched Walmart app for frozen calamari. They said “No can do. Could we offer you some…”
“It’s not you, it’s me.” -Twins looking at some family photos
man I hope machines don’t become sentient robots in my lifetime because my voicemail lady would straight up kick the shit outta me
N V B K I T H E K L O P F
I N V E N T O R Z S F O F
T H E E F G H J I O L P L
Y Q W O R D S E A R C H
H A S J P O D I E D G W
I want a girl with a short skirt and a loooooooooooooooooooong COVID
“building-building building building building-building building”
(translatiom: structur-making tower makimg another structure-making tower)
[mall]
Me: That guy looks SO familiar!
Wife: …
M: Maybe an actor? Musician?
W: …
M: I’ll get an autograph!
W: He’s our mailman, moron.
My kids made a mixture of snow, corn chex, chocolate chips, and apple slices on the kitchen floor so now I need a new house
ME: *turns around instead of wiping the steam off my bathroom mirror*
SERIAL KILLER BEHIND ME: okay wow way to ruin the moment
[school email]
Parents, please send a snack with your child to school…no cookies or candy please. Let’s keep it healthy:)[same email]
Today’s lunch menu: Chocolate chip pancakes, syrup infused bacon, Mtn Dew soaked carrots, snorted Pixie sticks, and liquified Cinnabons
When someone ends a sentence with “af” they were hastily trying to type “A FALCON DESCENDS UPON ME” but could not make it in time.
Do you ever wake up.
Kiss the person beside you, and just be thankful to be alive.I did.
Not really appreciated on flights apparently
sure, sex is good…but have you ever made a really efficient spreadsheet?
The closest I come to hiking is when I eat trail mix.
The dress code for my wedding should have been red flags.
I work from home and tend towards introvert
Him: (assessing the surroundings) when did you last leave the house?
Me: Saturday!
Him (familiar with my bullshit): WHICH Saturday?
Please do not try to befriend the velociraptors. Emotionally they take much more than they give
My neighbors were up shouting all night. I could barely hear my bagpipes.