Me (remembering that girls like cute things): do you like peppa pig?


Me (remembering girls like tough guys): I killed her

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Ernest Hemingway buys a pair of shoes mail order, but accidentally orders in a baby’s size. He tries to sell them, but no one understands


[1st day as bank robber]
leader: i told you to put tape over their mouths
me: [still struggling to find end of the tape] just gimme a second


A guy on Catfish dated a girl for 4 years despite only seeing ONE picture of her. I wouldn’t buy a futon on Craigslist with only one pic.


My dream is to witness a brawl in a McDonald’s and then be the first guy to try to order after things die down.


HOT GIRL: When I think someone is hot, I just agree with literally anything they say

ME: That’s interesting

HOT GIRL: No it isn’t


for the 7th year in a row, Rick Astley refuses to give his wife her favorite Pixar movie for Christmas


*lights scented candle*

*accidentally burns down house*

*everyone agreed that it smelled amazing*


I can’t stand lactose intolerant people who work at ice cream parlors. They can dish it out but they can’t take it.


Parenting –
often like herding cats

Some days, like herding feral cats