Me: Remind me of your name again?

Ben: It’s Ben

Me: one week since you looked at me…

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[first day as a riot cop]
chief: disperse the crowd





I doubt that my secrets are safe in your hands given that the raccoon was able to steal a corndog from you the other day.


Dr: …
Me: …
D: …
M: …
D: *sighs* Did you stick an orange up your rectum
M: No
*orange falls out onto floor*
D: …
M: *mumbles* yes


Next time a stranger talks to me when I’m alone, I will look at them shocked and whisper “You can see me?”..


Surround yourself with people who will groom your eyebrows should you ever become comatose


“You’ll never get the butt you want by sitting on the one you have.”
-Maya Angelou


Just made a voodoo doll of myself that I’m about to beat some sense into.


4-year-old: What happens when you die?

Me: You go to heaven.

4: No, I mean when you die, do I get your stuff?


My sister had a baby today. I think I’ve used that as an excuse to get out of more stuff this week than she has.


wife: Why are there dishes in the sink?
my son’s last words: Because you didn’t do them