@KarenReneK

Me: Remind me of your name again?

Ben: It’s Ben

Me: one week since you looked at me…

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@CAshmanActor

[first day as a riot cop]
chief: disperse the crowd
me:
T H

C R E

O D

W

@JustDontBugMe

I doubt that my secrets are safe in your hands given that the raccoon was able to steal a corndog from you the other day.

@caperbc75

Dr: …
Me: …
D: …
M: …
D: *sighs* Did you stick an orange up your rectum
M: No
*orange falls out onto floor*
D: …
M: *mumbles* yes

@TinaMav

Next time a stranger talks to me when I’m alone, I will look at them shocked and whisper “You can see me?”..

@envydatropic

Surround yourself with people who will groom your eyebrows should you ever become comatose

@dance_blessed

“You’ll never get the butt you want by sitting on the one you have.”
-Maya Angelou

@SaraMansford

Just made a voodoo doll of myself that I’m about to beat some sense into.

@XplodingUnicorn

4-year-old: What happens when you die?

Me: You go to heaven.

4: No, I mean when you die, do I get your stuff?

@KateWhineHall

My sister had a baby today. I think I’ve used that as an excuse to get out of more stuff this week than she has.

@iwearaonesie

wife: Why are there dishes in the sink?
my son’s last words: Because you didn’t do them