Me: Remind me of your name again?
Ben: It’s Ben
Me: one week since you looked at me…
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My 8yr just said we go together like biscuits and cream cheese. And I can’t tell if that’s a compliment or contradiction
Handsome Stranger: Excuse me, but you’re..
Me: Gorgeous & you’ve been mustering up the courage to speak to me?
HS: ..blocking the pickles.
Dieting is when you eat foods that make you sad and leave feeling hungry still.
My 4 year old kid doesn’t have an imaginary friend, he has an imaginary boss. He takes imaginary phone calls from his imaginary boss and has one-sided, exasperated conversations. We asked him once if his boss had a name and without missing a beat he said “Johnson.”
“We’re a completely paperless office.”
Wow, that’s really cool.
[Later, staring at iPad dispenser in bathroom]
Well this sucks.
Nephew: What’s love?
Me: Well, all the women text you except the one you like. And it hurts, so we drink.
Sister: Get away from him!
DATE: *sighs* You said you were a professional body builder.
ME: I am! I make prosthetics. Ha ha! And funny jokes! Wait where are you going?
*At animal group therapy*
Moderator: introduce yourselves please
Fruit bat: I’m a bat that eats fruit …
Honey bear: I’m a bear that eats honey…
Sperm whale: do we have to do this?
For about 2 seconds, when you run a red light, it’s like you stole your own car.
[coworker interrupting my story about how my weekend was] first of all McDonald’s doesn’t even have soup
I used to be the coolest kid in the 90s with a Windows 3.1 desktop. Now I have people on the train telling me that my phone’s flashlight is on
I hired a person to randomly show up throughout the day and put baskets of bread on my desk.
every cop drama will have a notice that says “any resemblance to actual events or individuals is purely coincidental” and then the serial killer will be named something like ned lundy
(Date)
Me: Sorry I have terrible anxiety and get picnic attacks.Her: You mean panic attacks?
Me: *pulling basket out* Oh god make it stop
Pete Davidson probably just knows how to load the dishwasher properly
Venn diagrams. You either love ‘em or you hate ‘em. Or you’re somewhere in the middle.
I told a joke to my boss and he must have found it really funny because now I get to tell it to HR.
Yes we left some guests inside the park last night. yes we’re going back for them. Calm down
He died doing what he loved, annoying the hell out of me and not believing I would stab him.
My husband accidentally texted mewting instead of meeting. Now I can’t stop picturing a bunch of kittens in a conference room.
A Japanese game show where you have to run through a room full of hungry German Shepherds holding your boyfriend’s mom’s cat.
Dear Santa,
My ex was very naughty this year. But I was very good. So you can just send me all his presents.
Instead of Wordle, I call it Word Without Friends.
When I’m horny, I stroll into rooms on all fours, with my ass shaking up in the air, meowing incessantly until someone throws a shoe at me.
i’m crying live action simba really did not gaf
It’s the little things that show you care. When she makes my sammich I always ask her if she wants a bite.
white people eradicated entire populations for spices and yet the bay leaf remains a mystery
There’s been a fire at London Zoo. Apparently two stick insects were having sex and it all got out of control.
Drew blood trying to take a sexy lip bite pic and now I’m on vampire twitter. So, bye, I guess.
My high school son works at a grocery store and I went through his checkout line with wine. He called a manager for approval.
M: Did you proof her?
S: She’s my mom.
M: OK but she may not be 21.
S: That’s biologically impossible.
M: No it’s not.
*My son is 16.