ME: [repeatedly trying, and failing, to film a successful water bottle flip]
DAVID ATTENBOROUGH: experts project extinction for this species
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Friend: I can’t believe they’re already selling Halloween candy in sto—
Me: *Already in the car, driving to the store*
God: you’re a coyote.
Coyote: ok! what street did you grow up on?
God: Heavenly Way.
Coyote: what about your first pets name?
God: Sprinkles : )
Coyote: awww last four of your social?
God: 0001, why?
Coyote: no reason.
[later]
Coyote: [to Acme] I wanna buy rocket skates.
Rejected Disney Movie Titles:
1) Find My Fish Son
2) A Shit Ton Of Spotted Dogs
3) Peter Pot
4) Pretty Lady & Big Foot Face
5) It’s Cold
I do, however, think Starbucks should arrest people who are just pretending to write.
professor x: what’s your superpower?
me: solving equations
professor 3: wow
You’re not a real family unless you all have different names for the same dog.
Attention: Due to inflation, people like you are now a dime and a nickel a dozen.
Cat: What are you doing?
Me: Nothing.
Cat: You were looking at younger cats again.
Me: No
Cat: Show me your Instagram feed.
Me: No way.
my husband said we need to start exercising and get into shape so I’m going to wake up early tomorrow and start looking for a new husband
Me: A lady never reveals her age.
Dr: For the final time, Ursula, I AM YOUR DOCTOR!
Me: FINE! *sigh* 37
Dr: thank you
Me: ish
Daddy can u get me a drink?
“No, you’re 5yo you can get your own drink”
Fine *goes to fridge
“While you’re there can you grab me a beer?”
i imagine the people who slaved for years perfecting the google search algorithm would be so mad knowing i mainly use it now for spellcheck
I used to be able to throw a serious look in a selfie and come off like a sexy smolder and now I look like I’m patiently waiting to speak to your manager.
Me: your snowman can look however you like sweetheart
2: *sticks arms in snowman’s head*
Me: not like that
Him: wanna go to your favorite place?
Me: Poundtown?!
H: I was thinking Target but—
M: no, no, your instincts were correct
Don’t scream. I came to your house because you never responded to my DMs. Are you OK?
For once I’d like to get kicked INTO a bar
I’m a Leo so I just eat the other astrological signs.
I see your annoying @ and raise you a middle finger.
What idiot called it hoarding, and not Stock Home Syndrome?
This 4th of July, please remember…
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘arrogance’
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Of course I can, don’t be stupid
The earth is moving, plz stop giving credit to the sun for rising
*staring directly into the sun* is this meditation am I meditating
I always feel slightly ripped off when my toddler poops after I pick her up from daycare.
[hears baby crying]
Wife: can you go check on him
Me: there’s no way he’s finished in the bath already
*uses Oujia board*
SMELLS LIKE UPDOG
me: what’s updog?
NOT MUCH, DOG, JUST ABOUT TO POSSESS YOUR CAT
me: what
cat: what
Of course Bruce Willis is going to keep playing the same movie roles. You know what they say about old habits…..
No, thanks. Five hours of energy sounds terrifying.
When a billionaire dies, who inherits their senators?