@TweetPotato314

me: *responds maybe to a fb event*

wife: [from the other room] YOU’RE GOING TO OUR SON’S BIRTHDAY

You Might Also Like

@Cpin42

Our vision of Hell doesn’t come from the Bible; it’s a composite drawn from fictional sources like The Divine Comedy and Paradise Lost. Fearing Hell is tantamount to fearing the plot of a Stephen King novel.

WAITRESS: Is that a no on dessert?

@JayTuvz

I used to play the triangle in a reggae band but left because it was just one ting after another.

@Holy_Mowgli

me: is there anything i can do about my dry skin

dermatologist: aloe

me: hi is there anything i can do about my dry skin

@KalvinMacleod

A recent study states that people should only shower every 3-4 days. “Stop being an idiot,” said one wife who lives in my house.

@Laser_Cat

The British are coming! The British are coming! The British have to get up early! The British swear they’ll call you in the morning!

@FatherWithTwins

My sons consider “it’s bedtime” my first offer in the negotiation process

@TheIronSherk

*Paper beats rock*
*Paper beats eggs*
*Paper beats his girlfriend*
*Paper beats his three year old*