me: *responds maybe to a fb event*
wife: [from the other room] YOU’RE GOING TO OUR SON’S BIRTHDAY
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Well at least the world isn’t spinning uncontrollably around a huge ball of fire.
I like putting my socks on the hot dog spinner at 7-Eleven so they get toasty warm and so that I attract dogs towards me all day long
Him: I think you’re my soul mate.
Me: I’m so SO sorry for you.
wife: Did you leave a good tip?
[flashback to me writing “Always look both ways before pulling out into traffic” on the check]
me: Yep
today a customer had to wait for blonde roast and he’d had to wait yesterday too and i was like “so sorry this is happening again” and he turned his phone to me and i was like oh no he’s on the phone with head office but he was showing me a video of a rat taking a shower
HER: tell me about yourself
ME: I have a cat
H: cute
M: he likes music
H: cool
M: we’re in a band
H: weird
M: called Mewtallica
H: ok bye
Take your ex out tonight (one bullet oughtta do it)
My boyfriend and I are into role playing-I pretend to be hotter and skinnier and he pretends not to be a Nigerian teen in an Internet cafe .
“Florida is insane.” Bro, we ain’t even trying right now. Imagine how powerful we would be if we all had dental insurance.
Don’t make me out nice you.
“Never go to bed angry” is some solid advice if you want to stay up until 3am fighting
Vader: Remove my helmet so I can see you with my own eyes.
Luke: OK.
Vader: On second thought, don’t. I have 30 years worth of hat hair.
The first step to forgiveness is realizing that the other person is stupid.
“wow with attitude like this do you even have friends”
me: yes in fact i have all 10 seasons of it
Welcome to Twitter: yeah none of us can sleep either.
🗽
Everyone seems so happy for you until they realize your baby carrier is just filled with mozzarella sticks.
Therapist: You seem annoyed & distant today
Whatever, I write on a tiny piece of paper before sending it across the room via carrier pigeon
how come nobody who hacks celebrities ever does anything funny with it? they just type the n word like that’s comedy gold. You just hacked the CEO of twitter, idiot, you could’ve said something like “I am pleased to announce we are merging with Facebook. More details to follow”
HERE’S A KID WITH NO ARMS AND NO LEGS AND HIS PARENTS ARE DEAD AND YOU’LL DIE SOON TOO, BUY THINGS.
– Super Bowl Commercials in a nut shell
Thanks to whoever invented the mute button, because I can poop while on a conference call.
The quickest way to get a creationist to shut up is threatening to throw them off the edge of the earth.
Looking back at all the successes & failures in my life, I can’t help but be proud that at least the potty training thing stuck.
Why do my kids want to be in the bathroom with me? I don’t even want to be in the bathroom with me.
When I say something embarrassing I immediately follow it up with something even more embarrassing so everybody will forget the first one
Marriages are like pancakes. Sometimes you gotta throw the first one out
*turns Foo Fighters up on the radio*
ME: hell yeah
13: hell yeah, the classics
*clicks the radio OFF*
ME: you’re grounded
Waffles are just pancakes with abs.