Me: [returning organic fertilizer] I don’t need this shit.
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Some of you need to review your settings or medication…
I’m not sure which but it’s definitely showing.
[reincarnated as a giant squid at the bottom of the ocean] i did something right
So my kid finally stopped falling for the fake throw.
The moment my toddler figured out how to open a door was a lot like the raptor kitchen scene in Jurassic Park.
my dad when a sex scene comes on
Don’t mistake my kindness for weakness. I am both kind AND weak. I’d like you to recognize them individually.
Me: *taking a family photograph*
Family: Did that guy just steal our picture?
Don’t let people push you around. Unless it’s in a wagon, because that shit is fun!
boss: why aren’t you working?
me: i didn’t see you coming!
I hope I don’t die of something stupid like old age, I want a piano to fall on my head.
[Nightclub]
Me: *shouting over the loud music at the bartender* WHAT IS THE SOUP OF THE DAY
Weird how I can’t seem to reach anything at the grocery store when bearded men are around
Life starts with everyone cheering when you poop and goes drastically down hill from there.
My 4yo is in complete shock after she found out her uncle is my brother.
Bear boss: I need to see you two in my office right away.
*I see my coworker is nervous*
Me: Relax, how bad can it be.
Salmon: Shut. Up.
Cut out the middleman and throw all your food right into the whiskey.
Its awkward touching hands with another man in a popcorn bag, especially if you dont know the man & he doesnt know youre eating his popcorn
Good potato salad is like money. You never have as much as you want, and that’s probably a good thing.
Poor Charles. Imagine being 73 years old and getting your first job.
A Victoria’s Secret commercial will always come on when you’re elbow deep in a bag of Doritos.
Just cleaned out my desk.
Bad news: I apparently have 1,453 Sharpies and none of them are sharp.
Good news: I found the plane!
It creeps me out when my dog watches my wife and I have sex. We hide the videotapes, but he always finds them.
Voting has begun in Russia’s presidential election. Results will be known last week
“Why the hell wooden I be?”
– Pinocchio
2020: My work here is done. Nothing will ever top my masterpiece.
2021: Hold my Mountain Dew.
Neighborhood so sketchy, Santa removes the reins from his sleigh and carries them in with him.
[date]
me: what’s your type?
her: I like a man who doesn’t get jealous
me: WHO IS HE
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Technically I pulled myself over, you only asked
C: I know, right? They make us say it like that
Nose
Bro are you joking? Are you being a court jester right now? Dude, are you jumping around in your jingly jangly hat bro?