ME RETWEETING: l must cultivate only the most hilarious and inspiring jokes for my followers in these challenging times.
ME TWEETING: A chupacabra that played basketball would be a hoopacabra.
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My kid’s latest drawing. Guys, should I be disturbed? I am disturbed.
I could have been the favourite Mistress of the Sun King at Versailles but nooooooooo I had to be born into late stage capitalism
Me, making a pediatrician appt for my 5yo son.
Receptionist: “What’s his birth year?”
Me: “17”
Them: “2017 or….?”
Me: “Oh yes. 2017.”
In my head: No, 1817. We’ll make the arduous journey to your office in our covered wagon.
It’s been a horrible morning so far. My ex got run over by a bus, and I lost my job as a bus driver 🙁
What’s with these people who take a sip of their coffee as soon as they get it? Who are these iron-mouthed warriors?
The moment my toddler figured out how to open a door was a lot like the raptor kitchen scene in Jurassic Park.
My kids caught me eating candy and they both took turns interrogating me trying to get me to tell them where the candy stash is, but I ain’t no snitch I ain’t telling them shit!
Look,if they showed up and watched the entire Super Bowl and had a good time with everyone.Then washed the dishes,cleaned up, did the laundry, washed your car and cooked dinner afterwards then you just might have found Valentine material!
Mattel is launching a new Twitter Barbie. She looks like a stunning hot blonde on the package but is an old fat guy when you open the box
Boss: This is the third time you’ve been late for work this week. Do you know what that means?
Me: That it’s only Wednesday
[visiting hours at prison]
BEAR WIFE: How are you coping?
BEAR: I miss the woods.
BW: The tranquility?
BEAR: No, I really need a shit.
People think doing meth makes you lose weight but actually it’s the climbing buildings and ripping out the plumbing
Just tested the structural integrity of a door frame with my face. It’s pretty solid.
There’s a reason the iPhone autocorrects “Yolo” to “tool.”
In line at Target when the woman behind be says to her kid “If you don’t stop fussing I’m gonna make you spend christmas with this man” and then points at me causing him to cry harder
marriage counsellor: so what’s the problem?
me: i don’t know
my ‘friend’: i’m tired of you trying to keep our marriage a secret
My daughter has fallen in with the wrong crowd at school and likes country music now.
My teen son complained that the house was too cold. I suggested that cleaning his room would warm him up. All of a sudden, he’s not cold.
Me: a pessimist sees the glass half empty; an optimist see the glass half full.
Wife: [returning from the restroom] why is half my mimosa gone?
Me: because you’re a pessimist.
Actually, not all of the creatures from Jurassic Park were from the Jurassic period. Jeff Goldblum, for example. He’s from now.
Him: why do you keep poking me ?
Her: I’m looking for the mute button
People in glass houses can throw whatever they want. They live in a glass house, I’m not expecting them to be practical
I shortened the rope on the bucket used to collect the village’s water. Didn’t go down well.
[i get run over by a bus]
MEDIA: flattened idiot has troubled past, has written over 600 pages of sexualized shrek fan fiction
get you a girl who
[first day as chinese police officer]
me: guys…it happened again.
[police radio]: okay *sigh* push your fingers in gently toward each o…
me: listen I’m pretty busy now can we do this tomorrow?
murderer: yeah sure sorry
4-year-old: What happens if I microwave 5 Barbies?
Me: That’s an oddly specific question.
4: I already know what happens if I do it with 4
My Twitter bio was too long so I’m putting it here
I’m down 10 lbs since Christmas and all I did was drink more water and stop eating gingerbread houses.