People often ask me if there’s a good reason why I’m sitting in their birdbath, but there almost never is
ME: revise my plea? Why?
JUDGE: read it back
RECORDER: defendant said “cauliflower is just white broccoli”
ME: *lips on mic* I stand by that
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The E. coli in the city water supply means I am just one glass away from my goal weight.
Raise your hand if you have to tell your kid the same thing over and over again everyday like they’re the Drew Barrymore character in 50 First Dates.
Diet starts today.
I need to lose about 3 years.
wife: [holding our new puppy] aw, don’t scare him
me: there are 18 million vacant homes in the US, that’s enough for every homeless person to have six
puppy: holy shit
THERAPIST: You’re cured.
THERAPIST: No, of course not. How did that make you feel?
Black Friday deals but at the pharmacy
My toddler only has 3 words, but she can already argue with me.
Me in high school: WHY AM I SPENDING AN HOUR A DAY LEARNING ABOUT A SUBJECT THAT WON’T HELP ME IN REAL LIFE?
Me now: Oh boy a new episode of my podcast about dolphin social hierarchies
Me: *Reenacts the steamy handprint scene from Titanic as I gaze at an eclair inside a glass case*
Clerk: You’re making people uncomfortable.