@mindflakes
People often ask me if there’s a good reason why I’m sitting in their birdbath, but there almost never is
@Brampersandon_
ME: revise my plea? Why?
JUDGE: read it back
RECORDER: defendant said “cauliflower is just white broccoli”
ME: *lips on mic* I stand by that
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@mindflakes
@moose_chocolate
The E. coli in the city water supply means I am just one glass away from my goal weight.
@kimmer4667
Raise your hand if you have to tell your kid the same thing over and over again everyday like they’re the Drew Barrymore character in 50 First Dates.
@barryjohnharper
Diet starts today.
I need to lose about 3 years.
@AndrewChamings
wife: [holding our new puppy] aw, don’t scare him
me: there are 18 million vacant homes in the US, that’s enough for every homeless person to have six
puppy: holy shit
@Jake_Vig
THERAPIST: You’re cured.
ME: Really?!?
THERAPIST: No, of course not. How did that make you feel?
@envydatropic
Black Friday deals but at the pharmacy
@lmegordon
My toddler only has 3 words, but she can already argue with me.
@kibblesmith
Me in high school: WHY AM I SPENDING AN HOUR A DAY LEARNING ABOUT A SUBJECT THAT WON’T HELP ME IN REAL LIFE?
Me now: Oh boy a new episode of my podcast about dolphin social hierarchies
@xLiserx
Me: *Reenacts the steamy handprint scene from Titanic as I gaze at an eclair inside a glass case*
Clerk: You’re making people uncomfortable.