ME: revise my plea? Why?
JUDGE: read it back
RECORDER: defendant said “cauliflower is just white broccoli”
ME: *lips on mic* I stand by that
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Someone asked who sang Johnny B Goode, and I said Marty McFly because I’m not an idiot and I know how time travel works.
*hurls Scrabble board at you*
[uses your words against you]
WARNING: DO NOT TRY AND EAT WARREN BUFFET. HE IS NOT AN ACTUAL BUFFET AND IS NOT MADE OF FOOD
My kid found a sick eagle and asked me to help it
Son: have you done this before or you just going to….WING IT?!?
Me: no…dummy. I can’t lawfully touch him it’s….ill-eagle
Don’t advertise “All You Can Eat” then drag me out kicking and screaming with fists full of shrimp.
When Ted Cruz kisses a baby, its parents have to throw it out and start over.
the karate policy at this nursing home is bullshit
PATIENT: How tough was medical school for a dog like you?
DR DOG: *thinking back on all the homework he ate* It wasn’t easy
*wakes up from 20 year coma*
SHIT, MY TAMOGOTCHI
Fortune cookie: You will travel far and wide and touch many lives along the way.
Me: [sighs and starts drafting apology notes now]
If you’re not sure how to reply in a conversation, just ask “In what context?” to buy time & let the person rattle on for another half hour.
Coworker: See you next year. Hahaha
Me: Not if you die tonight. Hahaha
In a parallel universe, Two bars walk into a man.
After my second “oh shit that’s crazy” it’s time to wrap up your story.
“The ship is sinking!”
Me (calmly): bring me noodles, tomatoes, and cheese
“You can save us with that?”
Me (making one last lasagna): what
the first cicada of the season just walked itself right into my fire pit. 13 years under ground looked at the world and said nope
I tried to convince some McDonald’s workers to do the Harlem Shake but they said the machine was broken
“Cu Later!” – a guy who wants some Copper, but not right now.
*showing friend my new place*
Me:(sitting)And this is my mocking chair.
Him:Don’t you mean rocking chair?
Me:DoN’t YoU mEaN rOcKiNg ChAiR?
Pal – “Can you help me put this IKEA desk together?”
Me – “I’ll need a screwdriver.”
Pal – “Sure what type?”
Me – “Greygoose or Kettle One.”
*trapped in a sinking car*
I should call 911
*car fills with water*
Ugh I hate phone calls
*head barely above water*
Can I just text them
“I wrote a song for you” he threatened.
a detective agency’s office is filled with cluebicles
Just remembered this meme I made back in May of 2020.
“Hello?”
Dad come get me from practice
“Sorry I’m going into a tunnel” *sound of mom giggling*
But I called the *connection drops* …landline
people really have no faith in me – i told my co-worker, “i had to have coke this morning for a little pick me up” … another co-worker heard me and was like, “what? you did a line before school?”
*in case you all don’t have the faith either – it was a can of coca cola
My 6yo daughter is chasing her 2yo sister with a baby doll, calling “mommy mommy,” and my 2yo is running away from her and yelling “I HAVE TO WORK!”
Bringing Egg Nog to Thanksgiving just for the evil glares.