ME: revise my plea? Why?
JUDGE: read it back
RECORDER: defendant said “cauliflower is just white broccoli”
ME: *lips on mic* I stand by that
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Three Doors Down is my favorite band name that describes which bathroom stall you should take when someone else is already there.
Sorry about my outburst. I was under the influence of common sense
Aging is the worst. I miss the good ol’ days when my pain was strictly emotional.
Random person outside of Target: is it ok if I pray for you?
Me: sure! While you’re at it can you pray they never find the knife and blood soaked clothes I buried? Kthanks!
A little advice… Simply set the microwave to 9 minutes instead of 90 seconds, and you too can ruin your lunch, just like me.
Sometimes I worry about my daughter getting the wrong ideas about romantic relationships, but as we were eating, I overheard heard her mutter “I’m gonna marry this burrito,” so…nah, she’s good.
“I’m sure it’ll turn up” – Translation: I’m bored of helping you look.
{Working as a bouncer}
ID please
*looks*
Okay you can go
*softly kisses their forehead first*
court: counsel why are you yelling your questions from back there?
me: i’ve got my phone plugged in back here your honor.
This is the cockiest hospital i have ever seen
I can almost always tell when a movie doesn’t use real dinosaurs!
I asked my kid if his room was clean and that little shit cackled and asked Alexa if it was “Stupid Question Day”
Husband: What kind of toothpaste should I get?
Me: Sensitive, strengthening, whitening, tartar control, plaque removing, deep clean, breath freshening, complete protection, with baking soda.
Husband: So get the blue stuff?
Me: Yes.
Sci-fi is when Wonder Woman fights villains from outer space, fantasy is thinking Wonder Woman will go on a date with you.
I’ve never felt more geriatric than when I just looked up movie times and audibly gasped at the audacity of a 9:45 pm start. No sir! I will be 30 min into my melatonin induced coma by then.
“Your mission… Should you chose to accept it…”
*Go to a bar you Hate
*Put $50 in the Jukebox
*Play nothing but Nickelback
*Leave
*First day as a boxing cornerman*
Me: So did you guys even try to talk this out first or what
Bacon causes cancer.
Canadian bacon apologizes.
just found out the danish word for jellyfish is literally water man and am cracking up at the idea that while other languages were naming them after medusa or whatever some danish dude was like “nah that’s a water guy”
I love when people spend 7 minutes trying to back into a parking space just so they can leave “quicker”
I used to wear tailored suits. Now I have “good” leggings, “grocery store” leggings and “so it’s come to this” leggings.
Sometimes I wonder how such beautiful kids can really be mine.
Then my 4-year-old opens a door and runs into the door frame.
Then I know.
Someone on Facebook asked what they should name a horse with a parent named Red Wine. I said Caberneigh and I keep cracking up when I think about it.
I am my target audience.
If I were on trial I would wear Crocs.
The prosecutor would be all, like, “whoa, that dude’s been defending himself his whole life.”
My toddler just told me I’m the best mummy ever because I “bought the good cheese for once” so I’ll be riding this high until her next tantrum
I don’t know why they are staring. Ignore them.
*Holds drink up to your voodoo doll’s mouth*
A tweet about the Titanic & speech impediments?
Unthinkable.
Him: Should you be eating that much chocolate?
Me: Should you be using that much oxygen?
Hey girls: FYI, if you tilt the camera up just a wee bit higher you can actually get your face in the picture.