ME: [riding a horse on a carousel] weeeeee!
AIRLINE SECURITY: [into radio] god dammit, he’s back and he brought a horse with him this time
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ME [being stabbed by a stingray]: This pancake seems angry.
My husband was out with a friend of ours and texted me that he had crazy news about him, then wouldn’t text me the news and said it had to be told in person, so I had no choice but to file for divorce.
If someone asks if I have time to talk about Jesus I tell them yes but they have to give me an equal amount of time to talk about Ducktales.
Good News: You mean the world to me.
Bad News: The world is pretty lousy right now.
I just got a text from someone I don’t know. They say they’re sick and vomitting.
Should I tell them that vomitting only has one T?
My dog asked what it was like to be human, so I told him that talking was a good start.
Much like a fairy tale princess I will sit here and wither away until some man somewhere is brave enough to bring me soup.
[my funeral]
PRIEST: dearly beloved…
*respectful silence from guests*
PRIEST: …and steve
ME FROM INSIDE COFFIN: lmao get roasted steve
I don’t throw gang signs. I’m Scottish. I throw bricks 🙂
Son: daddy I drew a dinosaur
Me *looking at the drawing*: no you didn’t
seeing a mysterious portal open in the woods and just walking by. not my business.
#RubbishJokes #Coffee
Waiter, waiter, the coffee is cold!Thanks for letting me know, ice coffee is one pound dearer.
Why are ghosts and angels depicted as semi transparent is that what happens when you die they just turn your opacity down
[tries to walk into my How to Use a Revolving Door class and ends up outside again] what the heck
Once again I’ve been mistaken for a 50lb sack of flint corn.
No rule against wearing an old Halloween costume to Thanksgiving. Let your racist uncle talk presidential politics with Donkey from Shrek.
#WasSoAmusing Some of it. That’s why…for some this works…others need it “perfect”.
Him:When do you get off?
Me: Usually once you go to sleep
Him:
Me:
Him:
Me: Oh you mean work? 6 o’clock Hun, see you then.
tattoo artist: so you want a pair of scissors, are you a hair stylist
me: no I just hate running
[ zombie desperately trying to feed a dollar into a glass elevator full of businessmen ]
I often wonder who Pete is…
and why we do things for his sake…
Doctor: Listen to your body more.
Body: You’re old. And you want lasagna.
person: calm down
me: *calm immediately goes up*
I’m throwing myself a circumcision party tomorrow, so anybody with a scalpel and a steady hand, stop on by. Jews welcome only with gift.
Welcome to The News. Tonight’s top story: you know that thing you love? It’s terrible and you’re terrible. Thanks,
things that baffle modern science
1. Stonehenge
2. The Pyramids
3. How my liver is still functioning…
Just because something’s vegan doesn’t mean it’s cruelty-free. For example, my ex-girlfriend
Cop: Know why I stopped u?
Cuz u JUST CAN’T FIGHT THIS FEELING ANYMORE?
Cop: I’VE FORGOTTEN WHAT WE STARTED FIGHTIN FOOOR
For speeding.
*burglar breaks in*
*i reach into my nightstand drawer, get my phone, & take his picture*
Burglar: No I have a double chin!
Me: I’ll post it
*gets home from game*
“whoa what happened to your eye”
I was on the Kiss Cam
“oh she wasn’t into it?”
with the t-shirt cannon guy’s daughter