ME: [riding a horse on a carousel] weeeeee!
AIRLINE SECURITY: [into radio] god dammit, he’s back and he brought a horse with him this time
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if someone asks you about yourself say “OK, sit down, this is going to be a really long story” then just wander off
My kids have pulled out the NERF guns. What could possibly go wrong?
Trevor eventually flunked out of dentistry school
Introducing new iPhone 5 features:
– Patented Ultrablack color technology.
– Siri is less of a cunt.
– Contains 1 mg of Steve Jobs’ ashes.
My financial advisor recommended I join a doomsday cult.
So it turns out that the cookie dough flavored toothpaste I have been using is actually just normal cookie dough.
If my coworker doesn’t stop asking questions on this Zoom meeting I will drive across town and slap his face on the call.
“Contactless is safer”, I tell my husband
[at a job fair]
Me: Where’s the ferris wheel?
FUN PRANK: tweet “going hang gliding!!!!” then don’t tweet again for 12 years
My wife asked what I thought of her new blouse and I used the word “slimming”, I explain to the other homeless people.
Heath: I’m Heath
Heather: I’m Heather
Me, competitive: I’m Heathest
If I stay in bed too long my sheets eventually detach from the corner of my mattress like my bed is patting me on the back to let me know the hug is over.
All arrangements are edible if you’re hungry enough.
I’m here to express deep thanks to the wet tissue I just found in the wash that helpfully crushed itself into a little ball instead of exploding like glitter over the surface of every wet garment
One time I microwaved my lunch at work and my coworker said “That smells spicy! What is that–is that salt?” And when I was speechless she followed up with “Is it pepper?”
I never understood how the little drummer boy’s parents could just send him outside alone at night to play his drum until my daughter brought a recorder home from school.
The ice cream man is not impressed how much faster I run than children.
Tried a new approach to filing taxes this year.
Microdosing being a pigeon by delivering a letter.
In Twilight, if Jacob just got some therapy maybe he could be a Self-Awarewolf
6yo: *non stop talking*
Me: *tells 6yo to go read*
6yo: *comes out of room every 2 min to tell me about the book*
Him: hey see you around
Me, a flat earther: *eyes narrow* yeah see you ahead
Ugh
waiter: wine?
date: I don’t drink
waiter: water?
me: she said she doesn’t drink pal
“Are you pro gay?” he asked. “Amateur at best,” I replied
whenever a man says he’s well endowed I always hope he means with a grant from the government for his new art project
Joel Osteen wouldn’t open his megachurch to flood victims. Let’s not jump to conclusions. Maybe he has two of every kind of animal in there.
He’s dead