@Puncroaker

Me; Right, some revision?
Son: K
Me: Start with chemistry?
Him: K
Me: Periodic table?
Him: K
Me:What’s the symbol for potassium?
Him: Dunno

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@TheAndrewNadeau

Just realized the little piggy that went to market was NOT just going shopping so I’mma need to shut it down for a day.

@TheAlexNevil

Star Wars (1st draft)
Obi Wan: These aren’t the droids you’re looking for
Stormtrooper: Yes they are
OW: No they’re nooot
S: Uh YAH they are

@JPHaddadio

Well, the mechanic called. Apparently, in addition to a muffler, my car also needs a new car.

@ThaJawn

My dog just ate the last piece of pizza but of course when we were ordering and I asked who wanted some, she didn’t say shit

@Holy_Mowgli

what did people do with their wet phones before rice was invented

@Goofpoops

Cop cars aren’t very intimidating. Add a crazy plow covered in blood, an anarchy symbol and spinning saw blades and I’ll stop in a heartbeat

@Ygrene

[seeing a skyscraper with all the lights on]
oh man the dad of that building is gonna be mad

@FattMernandez

Don’t trust anyone who wants to “get you out of your comfort zone.” Why would you ever want to leave something called a comfort zone?!

@NewDadNotes

Dog 911: hello
Dog: I accidentally ate the trash
Dog 911: crouch low to pretend you are sorry
Dog: but I’m not sorry
Dog 911: I said pretend