Me; Right, some revision?
Son: K
Me: Start with chemistry?
Him: K
Me: Periodic table?
Him: K
Me:What’s the symbol for potassium?
Him: Dunno

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Just realized the little piggy that went to market was NOT just going shopping so I’mma need to shut it down for a day.


Star Wars (1st draft)
Obi Wan: These aren’t the droids you’re looking for
Stormtrooper: Yes they are
OW: No they’re nooot
S: Uh YAH they are


Well, the mechanic called. Apparently, in addition to a muffler, my car also needs a new car.


My dog just ate the last piece of pizza but of course when we were ordering and I asked who wanted some, she didn’t say shit


what did people do with their wet phones before rice was invented


Cop cars aren’t very intimidating. Add a crazy plow covered in blood, an anarchy symbol and spinning saw blades and I’ll stop in a heartbeat


[seeing a skyscraper with all the lights on]
oh man the dad of that building is gonna be mad


Don’t trust anyone who wants to “get you out of your comfort zone.” Why would you ever want to leave something called a comfort zone?!


Dog 911: hello
Dog: I accidentally ate the trash
Dog 911: crouch low to pretend you are sorry
Dog: but I’m not sorry
Dog 911: I said pretend