Me; Right, some revision?
Son: K
Me: Start with chemistry?
Him: K
Me: Periodic table?
Him: K
Me:What’s the symbol for potassium?
Him: Dunno
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That guy who ran through the White House could go to prison for ten years, so there’s another reason I don’t run.
Single and never gonna mingle.
I tested positive for aloneavirus.
My daughter used to be afraid of the monster in her closet but like I told her, it’s the ones under your bed that you really need to worry about
Looking to join a group where every once in awhile somebody screams “fan out!” and we all do.
Reminder that April is Procrastination Awareness Month. It’s finally my time to shine…
Aw beans
damn. it takes a long time to soft boil 3 eggs when you don’t even turn the stove burner on in the first place
Normalize talking to people in the gym who have earbuds in, they love that.
I’d prob date Pete Davidson too if Instagram showed me a targeted ad for him more than 3x
me: help, my house is burning down!
mrs doubtfire: *narrows eyes* prove it
that’s it, I’m firing that gardener
What is going on? 😅
Parenthood has made me so tired that even in my sex dreams, I’m asleep.
Can’t wait for the google doodle guy to get dumped and make things super personal.
Cat 911: What’s your emergency
Cat: I can see the bottom of my food dish
Cat 911: Oh, well just wait patiently and the humans will fill it
Cat:
Cat 911:
Cat: Haha hahaha
Cat 911: hahahha
Cat 911: Seriously though, knock something off the counter
watching seinfeld on netflix, recalling the time in india when a seinfeld episode came on my host family’s tv and i said “ooh everyone watch this, this is my culture” and it was the one where george’s fiancee dies from licking all the wedding envelopes and they were horrified
1) Throw a ball of yarn into a fencing battle 2) Wait until the fight is over 3) Retrieve your fully-knitted sweater
Darth Vader: Luke
Luke: ya
Darth Vader: [heavy breathing] I am your father
Luke: um ok
Darth Vader: Also I’m vegan
Luke: NNNNNOOOOOOOOO
[presents children to cashier]
I’d like to return these faulty condoms lol
[meeting my gf’s parents]
gf: just please be serious
me: ok
[later]
gf’s dad: sorry for the wait, dinner’s ready now
me: I DID MY WAITING
gf: oh no
me: TWELVE YEARS OF IT
gf: please
me: IN AZKABAN
Critic: I don’t like your work
Me: buddy, *I* don’t like my work
[freezing huddled around fire]
Dont worry I brought blankets to keep us warm *throws blankets on fire* that should last a good half hour
must be garbage day
* me scrolling the TL*
I was jumping on the trampoline with my son and now my neighbour won’t stop mowing his lawn next to the fence
Her: why are you covered in egg
Me: I got into a fight
Her: did you win?
Me: yes It was over, easy
My wife told me to get a real job or pack my bags!
What an idiot! Who threatens someone with a vacation???
5-year-old: I wish we all had infinity dollars
Me: That’d wreck the economy
5: I just-
Me: Go to your room until you understand inflation
If you pregnant, dont swallow bubblegum….. it stick to ya baby hair….
Paul is coming over tonight
Paul smith or Paul who puts ketchup on everything?
[car pulls into driveway covered in ketchup]
Neutrons are the Switzerland of subatomic particles.
Thanks Autocorrect, I did want to bang her braids out.