me: *ringing up 85 boxes of chocolate*
cashier : haha getting ready for Halloween are we?
me: what?

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ME: Can you have it fixed by Friday?

ABACUS REPAIR GUY: I wouldn’t count on it.

ME: I know. How about Friday?


I’m just a girl.
Standing in front of a girl.
Wondering how she got her eyeliner on so perfectly.


Cop: Sir, I know it’s tough but we need you to ID the body

Me looking at corpse: *takes deep breath* Are—are you over 21?



DATE: [clears throat]

ME: I’m sorry. [handing her placemat and crayons] Did you want to color too?


Men are from Mars, women are from a planet that probably smells nicer than Mars.


I feel like landlords who don’t allow dogs but DO allow children don’t know very much about children.


My husband thinks I’ve been on my phone checking the weather for the last 3500 hours