@_alyssa0911

me: *ringing up 85 boxes of chocolate*
cashier : haha getting ready for Halloween are we?
me:
cashier:
me:
cashier:
me: what?

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@JB4Realz

ME: Can you have it fixed by Friday?

ABACUS REPAIR GUY: I wouldn’t count on it.

ME: I know. How about Friday?

@juneohara65

I’m just a girl.
Standing in front of a girl.
Wondering how she got her eyeliner on so perfectly.

@MarfSalvador

[Morgue]
Cop: Sir, I know it’s tough but we need you to ID the body

Me looking at corpse: *takes deep breath* Are—are you over 21?

@UncleDuke1969

[restaurant]

DATE: [clears throat]

ME: I’m sorry. [handing her placemat and crayons] Did you want to color too?

@UnFitz

Men are from Mars, women are from a planet that probably smells nicer than Mars.

@TwatWaffler69

I feel like landlords who don’t allow dogs but DO allow children don’t know very much about children.

@Book_Krazy

My husband thinks I’ve been on my phone checking the weather for the last 3500 hours