@ArfMeasures

ME *rings wife* should I get one bagel or two?

WIFE: Two!

ME: Ok *nods at tattoo artist* so one on each arm

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@chuuew

This is the part of the job I really hate [goes to work]

@eminmien

“What do you get if you cross a monkey and a lion?”
I glance nervously over to the basement door, afraid she’s seen something she shouldn’t.

@jonlovett

If we can’t hit our kids, what’s next? A society slowly becoming less violent as we learn more about child development and human psychology?

@SadieSmithRoks

Not a lot of people know this, but if you dress up like a pirate and go into Red Lobster, you eat for free.

@64spoons

Call me a hoarder if you want but don’t come crying to me when you need a 3 foot tall stack of mayonnaise jar labels.

@shariv67

Whenever someone says smart phones are turning people into zombies, look up from your phone just long enough to bite them.

@simoncholland

I like having conversations with kids. Grownups never ask me what my third favorite reptile is.

@mommajessiec

Me: Since the kids are spending the night at Grandma’s, we FINALLY have the chance to sleep in.

Smoke alarm battery: Not if I can help it.

@Eightinchgoat

I wonder which lie came first: “Oops, wrong hole!” or “That’s never happened before!”?