me: [robbing a bank] ok everybody hands in the air
everyone: [puts hands up]
me: [already mad with power] one hop this time
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If Batman gets to use a piece of Kryptonite against Superman, Superman should get to use a piece of Batman’s parents. Fair is fair.
According to the amount of chocolate I’ve eaten this year in these Advent calendars there’s 127 days in December.
me: do you take walk-ins
morgue: what
[stopping the tattoo artist 15 seconds into my “feel no pain” tattoo] ok so you’re gonna laugh
This oxygen mask is bullshit. I don’t look like oxygen at all.
Did you know we only use 10% of our brains?
“Actually that’s a myth-”
This part is useless
*stabs fork in head*
See? Now florble arble guh
Husband: Let’s try to spend a little less money this Christmas, ok?
Me: *dog sleeping in a custom manger. Ok.
Interviewer: Under skills you put horse whisperer and able to see ghosts
Me: Ask that horse if you don’t believe me
Interviewer: What horse?
HER: I’m leaving you
ME: But why?
HER: There’s just no chemistry between us anymore
CHEMISTRY: Wow, I’m like right here
My wife had a tick on her. It wasn’t attached though. The whole thing was very zen
Ah, summer break. When I leave for work my teenagers are sleeping and when I get home from work, my teenagers are sleeping.
Him: Let’s grill this steak
Me: *slams table, screams at steak* WHO SOLD YOU THE DRUGS
Him: that’s not-
Me: Refusing to talk? BIG MISTEAK
Sorry if you feel foolish, but that’s how sarcasm works… Einstein.
[first day as aquarium guide]
Me: & here’s 8 snakes biting a soccer ball
Guy: that’s an octopus
Me [sighs]: fine. 8 snakes biting an octopus
Boys get 1 polo shirt and wear it till the horse dies!!
DOC: We got your blood tests back
ME: Is it small pox like I thought?
DOC: No, it’s even worse
ME: What could be worse than small pox?
DOC: Big pox
ME: Oh right. It seems obvious now that I think about it
[job interview]
Interviewer: It says here that you are a blowfish. Would you care to expand?
I’ve been experimenting with breeding racing deer.
People have accused me of just trying to make a fast buck.
Someone hacked into my dominos account and redeemed my free pizza
Sometimes I sit on my hand till it’s numb so it feels like someone else is googling my name
I have never in my life learned from another person’s mistakes, I would literally let a giant wooden horse into my house right this second.
jewelry making tip: a simple can of gold spraypaint can turn a chicken nugget into a gold nugget
doctor: what seems to be the problem
t-rex: I cant feel my legs
doctor: go on
t-rex: because I’ve got little arms
doctor: get out
HOW ARE SPOTTED OWLS ENDANGERED IF THEY’RE ALWAYS BEING SEEN
*pulls the dryer sheet off my pants*
Ok, weigh me now.
what the hell is this stain?
– a memoir
I wore a leather jacket into a vegan restaurant and now I’m hiding in the bathroom.
so weird how every mom was born today
Tastes victory
Victory: Eww! Stop licking me!!