ME: [rocking out front row at a concert] Woooo
THIRD CELLIST: Please sit down
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I may or may not have just tried unlocking the wrong car for 15 minutes.
interviewer: and how many years of experience do you have being a sandwich?
I asked my kids to stop fighting while I was on a work call and my daughter walked over and closed the door to the room I was sitting in.
Compromise.
I scream, you scream, we all scream, while I’m crawling under the bathroom stall to say hi to you.
TOP 5 PAINFUL THINGS:
5: relationship breakup
4. going to prison
3. disease diagnosis
2. death of a loved one
1.
I don’t want to stand, Apple Watch. You stand.
MATH Q: 5 friends wanna split a $50 dinner. But Josh wants a separate check bc his thing was $2 less. Really, Josh? This is y nobody likes u
To avoid the risk of dangerous paradoxes I use my time machine only to skip, rewind & pause my TV shows; also saving $10/mo on renting a DVR
I saw nothing
Good morning people…..I woke up feeling myself this morning….wait that doesn’t sound right. What I meant is I woke up feeling confidant
If I were the tooth fairy I wouldn’t leave any cash, just a note that says I’VE TAKEN YOUR TEETH
Realtors are legally required to tell you if the house ghosts are too judgy
Wife: Talk sexy to me
Husband: Commencing garment extraction
W: Huh?
H: Initiating trouser disengagement
W: …
H: Removing unmentionables
Dog knew jumping the last level was a waste of energy…🐕🐾😅
Thank God the conventions are over because now we can get back to the real issues: FOOTBALL.
When I get to somebody’s house, I text them, because knocking on doors is for poor people.
*interrupts dinner
“IS THAT CLOCK REALLY YOUR GRANDFATHER!?”
I often choose gift bags instead of wrapping, not just out of laziness, but also because I have the fine motor skills of a drunken panda.
My husband keeps texting me he loves me and that i’m hot, what a weirdo like calm down pal, we’re married
Accidently used the word “henceforth” in my third grader’s book report and the teacher is suspicious.
Someone left a handful of random candy scattered on my doormat and I’m having the hardest time recalling whose van I got into recently…
carrying too many items]
store clerk: would you like a basket
me: no thanks my arms are full.
[grocery store]
Meat department: 7 people will all try to help you at the same time, they are very excited about this
Rest of the store: reportedly one person works here but he has not been heard from since 1989. His name is Gary. If you see him, tell him his family misses him
Well, she was raised to refer to dinner as ‘supper’ so obviously it wasn’t going to work out in the end.
shoutout to Disney for giving me unrealistic expectations about love, talking animals and my singing voice
I’ve been turned down so many times they call me bedspread.
WATSON: do you even have a proper education?
SHERLOCK: Elementary, my dear Watson
WATSON: but, like, beyond that
SHERLOCK: nah
I’m young, but not “know exactly why I came into this room” young.
RIP to whoever is about to receive the literal wall of text currently being drafted by the person sitting in front of me on the train. It begins with “my feelings on our situation have not changed,” so godspeed
I always eat free range chicken… free range fish, free range hot dogs & free range ramen. (Somebody gave me this old stove)