ME: [rocking out front row at a concert] Woooo
THIRD CELLIST: Please sit down
You Might Also Like
In my daydreams I’m majestic, like a hippo ballerina, but in reality, I’m a rhinoceros breakdancer.
The goldfish just gave me the “just flush me” look. No way pal. If I have to stay so do you.
men’s fashion peaked in 1838
horrifying if literal: the electric slide
Mob Boss: did you make it look like an accident
Me: oh yeah I rear ended him before I shot him
Kids are hard to predict; and living in 2021 with two young kids who sing along to “Who Let the Dogs Out” was not what I expected.
“I’m on my way!”
-Someone who won’t be leaving for at least 20 minutes
“UNLESS WE’RE OUT OF CHEESE THERE’S NO REASON TO SCREAM LIKE THAT!”
– me to my kid whenever he throws a tantrum
It’s almost 2020 and we still haven’t made a smoke detector that can tell the difference between an Indian cooking and an apartment on fire.
I don’t tell many people this, but I have been known to carry a shiv.
Okay, it’s the underwire in my bra and the only one getting stabbed is me, but still.
{4 turtles are stuck on their backs.}
Cop: What’s going on here?
Me: Snow angel contest for free pizza.
Cop: …Who’s winning?
Me: Shredder.
Just Googled my symptoms. Turns out I’m alive
i’ll see your “live laugh love” sign and raise you an “ew, people”
Anyone know how to create an Outlook rule that sends every email to junk, deletes it, blocks the sender, and sets my laptop on fire?
I’m gonna have my body cremated so I can have one last meltdown.
cake decorator: do you want an exclamation point after “happy birthday”?
me: no, my son wanted more of a somber motif for his sixth birthday
Anna: If you don’t wanna build a snowman I feel bad for you, son.
Elsa: I got 99 problems but the cold ain’t one.
Me: I hate when corporate Twitter accounts pretend to be people
Amazon Prime: I was just saying this to my kids
Just took my girlfriend to the movies and now I’m $10,000 in debt.
I’ve been inventing problems to hide the fact that I spend all my time on twitter. But it’s cool because now my kid thinks I know how to fix the leaky drip tray on the piano and can properly set a fallen eagle’s broken wing.
35+ crowd getting ready for the Teddy Riley vs Babyface battle
My friend is a meteorologist so when he wants to hang out I tell him there’s a 100% chance I’ll be there and then I don’t show up.
I hate people who hold grudges, but not as much as I hate my high school German teacher.
Reckon the first person to make popcorn by accident probably ran away for a while.
I once put a cigarette out on someone’s arm for telling me that we didn’t evolve from giant centipedes. I graduated college, I know things.
[spelling bee]
“Your word is stupid”
ME: Well give me a different one then
“No, that’s your word…stupid”
ME: Maybe you’re the stupid one
Wanna feel old? Subtract your birth year from the current year.
I can’t believe these women are just walking around with yoga mats like a game of yoga might just break out at any moment
Picture someone chasing down a ping pong ball that fell on the floor.
Ok that’s how I dance.
I made a joke about how sweet it is that twenty men I don’t know dm me to ask me how I’m doing and this old dude commented “only 20? Out of 33k?” And like damn that hurt. The rest of you 32,980 better pony up or this old dude is gonna know I’m not sexy 😭