Me: Roses are red, violets are blue…
Them: I’m going to stop you there man. Imma assume this is your first rap battle?
You Might Also Like
Today I finally told my kids that St Patrick isn’t real, and it’s been me putting the snakes under their pillows all these years.
ME: my underwear is just two soft flour tortillas held together by electrical tape
INTERVIEWER [desperate]: ok and how about weaknesses
Sometimes I like to freak my husband out by asking where this relationship is going.
“No i’m clearly not in a position to be giving you advice right now”
*gets down from doing a headstand*
“Ok, lay it on me”
[first day of work as a 911 operator]
“Hello, 911”
Hi someone’s trying to break into my house
“holy shit call 911”
THE POPE: i always get roof and ceiling mixed up lol
MICHELANGELO: what
Dad: No wonder your Twitter account wasn’t hacked
Me: You weren’t worried?
Dad: Not at all, you’re not nearly interesting enough for the hackers
We usually make prime rib for Christmas dinner but with the prices of beef we’ve had to make some slight adjustments.
[Christmas dinner]
Me [serving guests]: More ramen?
me: (calls out the wrong name during sex)
gf: who the hell is waluigi
Goats that intimidate others are bully goats
Interviewer: where do ya see yourself in 5yrs
Me: going through a Denny’s trash bin
I: but you might get this job
M: haha that’s… irrelevant
Taco Bell: You need to loosen up.
Stools: OK!
The chaotic energy of the dude at my gym who just chugged a Monster energy drink before walking into a yoga class is the same energy I’m trying to channel this year.
Dear People who like me,
I appreciate every single two of you.
Whoever said imitation is the sincerest form of flattery hasn’t had a 7yo mimicking their every word for the last 10 minutes.
Florida is about to release millions of genetically modified mosquitoes.
I hope when they bite you they make you drive better.
Children give terrible gifts because they’re poor.
Taylor Swift seems like the kind of chick who’d stare at her boyfriend while he’s sleeping.
I post 🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩 on Facebook everyday.
I don’t play Wordle, but it drives my family nuts.
I broke up with my boyfriend last night because his wife snores too loud.
Good morning to everyone except the people who prefer the taste of margarine over butter.
Apparently it is “against church policy” to drop your kids off in the nursery and then go to brunch.
It’s 2024 and we have Batman shampoo but STILL no Conditioner Gordon.
Star Wars? Nope
Never had any interest in watching something that starred a woman whose hair made her look like one of my dad’s tractors.
Me: For my 1st wish I want a box of Triscuits
Genie:Are u sure? U can buy them at any store
Me:My 2nd wish is for u to mind ur own business
God: You’re going to Earth to live as a human
Jesus: Can I drink?
God: Yes
Jesus: Can I get married and have kids?
God: No
Jesus: Can I have a man cave?
God: Eventually *winks at angel*
Haven’t done a pushup in years. Doesn’t seem right with what’s been going on in the world
Me: Man I love the eighties
Grandparents: We have names
I have a very particular set of skills, skills I acquired over a long career. Skills that – ugh hold on
*covers phone*
MOM I’M ON THE PHONE!
No one has ever said, “You know what would make this even better? Turkey bacon.”