ROOKIE: Looks like the air bag failed to inflate
COP: Actually it did, the guy is just ugly
ME: C’mon guys I’m still alive here
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I would never have a swear jar as
1. It would suggest that I regret swearing and
2. Imply that I have spare change.
The D word that everyone’s been feeling at work is depression. I guessed the wrong word, apparently.
Aaaaand there’s HR calling me. Brb.
Pharmaceutical commercials saying “living longer IS possible.”
Not a good marketing strategy in 2020, but ok.
ME: I’ve brought you a house-warming present
ESKIMO: You idiot
“Make good choices,” I say to myself, as I choose a small plate to make a towering pile of nachos on, instead of a large plate.
For my 40th birthday present, my husband replaced a pan that he broke and that’s how I know he’ll never be able to leave me for another woman
There is nothing like the sound of a child’s laughter to remind you that your apartment is haunted.
[2011, pakistan, seal team 6 enters the compound]
“chief, something has brought the boys to the yard”
bin laden [making a milkshake]: SHIT
“Romeo and Juliet” serves as a potent reminder to make sure you’re on the same page with your partner re: fake death plan
Go ahead. Order anything you want. Money is no object when we dine at Le Foodcourte du Costco.
[limbo contest]
Everyone: *chanting* how low can you go? How low can you go?
Me: I once stole a guide dog
trump is putting everyone who works at goldman sachs in the government so that there’s no one left to run GS and they go out of business
[first date]
“What’s wrong?”
I don’t like the ambulance in this place
[sniggering] “You mean ambience”
[next table] NEE NAW NEE NAW WOOOOOO
Sure, my bologna has a first name, but he’s a stickler for manners so he insists we still call him Mr. Bologna.
The only way an adult coloring book could help calm my stress is if it was somehow edible.
Obviously the Asian gentleman I saw flush the urinal with a karate kick doesn’t mind perpetuating stereotypes.
*uses Mr. Clean magic eraser to wipe off your drawn on eyebrows*
Schrödinger’s cookie
I impose tariffs on my children by taking a bite of each Poptart before I hand it to them, and let me tell you, the markets don’t like it
I saw a smart car pass a Jeep today. The Jeep was parked on the side of the road, but still.
You think you found a parking spot and then boom. Kia damn Soul.
Need cheering up? If you watch Jaws backwards, it’s a heartwarming story about a massive shark that gives arms and legs to disabled people.
imagine if poop was transparent. I’d completely lose my shit
Rules for a happy marriage:
3. Separate bank accounts
2. Separate data plans
1. Separate bathrooms
I’m an Atheist till the electricity goes out.
me: it’s an egg dying party!
8yo: why are we celebrating dead eggs?
oh cool this article looks like a neat re-“JOIN OUR NEWSLETTER TO NEVER MISS OUT ON THE BEST NEWS EVER BUT FIRST DISABLE YOUR ADBLOCKER ALSO CAN WE HAVE YOUR PHONE NU-“
Does anyone ever finish a jar of Vaseline? I’m still working on the one my great-grandpa passed down to me.
Before cellphones, my mom would open the window and scream my name until I came back home.
The average life expectancy for a human being is one life.