Me: *Rubbing Chin* Why am I always hungry 30 mins after I eat Chinese food?
Chin: [pushing my hand away}I dunno man I just deliver the food.

You Might Also Like


“Why are all the good ones either married, gay or the Son of God?” – Mary Magdalene.


“I got chills, they’re multiplying, and I’m losin’ control.” Buddy, you got stomach flu.


criminal: oh no it’s lobster man

lobster man: [quickly sidestepping around them] move one inch and you get the pinch

criminal: [takes out rubber bands]

lobster man: oh god no


‘I choose my underwear based on how likely I am to have sex. Today, I’m wearing a used grocery bag I found floating across the highway’


Cough drops are perfect for when you want the cough you’ve had for three days to stop for 60 seconds and then come right back.


Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Off duty cop: No
*cop gets so close their mustaches interlock like velcro*
You’re driving great, pal


I want to be wealthy enough to leave notes for the housesitter like: “If the leopard seems bored, jog him on the treadmill. He can watch The Parent Trap.”