[parallel universe where horses are the dominant species]
horse on a road trip: *pointing at me in my front yard* humans.
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What do we want?!
A WRITER WHO CAN WRITE SHORTER PROTEST CHANTS FOR US THAT SUCCINCTLY ILLUSTRATE OUR DEMANDS!
When do we want it?!
NOW!
A mom at my son’s baseball game was drinking beer in the stands and what kind of message is she sending to all these young impressionable kids by openly enjoying an adult beverage and not sharing with all the adults sitting by her
My sleep apnea was diagnosed at a staff meeting.
If I hold my phone upside down it looks like you have replied to my text and I’m ignoring you.
The only highlight of a brutal moving day:
Wife: “That’s way too big to fit in the back door.”
4 people in unison: “That’s what she said!”
Me: *pssst* tell the girl wearing the white dress I think she’s hot
Priest: absolutely not
Waitress says “Say when” when grating my cheese. I never say when. The room fills with parmesan. There are no survivors.
popsicle not seeing heaven 😭
Wait, I thought Ionic Bond was James’s nerdy little brother.
My daughter is crying because she can’t be a hamster.
boss : you’re gonna do the color commentary tonight ok
[later]
announcer: here goes jackson rounding 3rd
me: and those pants are as mustard yellow as it gets folks
my mother has a medical podcast where she self diagnoses her ailments it’s called my voicemail and it happens every morning at 9 am.
Do Russia and Uganda realize if they put all their gay people in jail then jail will become the nicest part of their country?
Real women don’t wish their enemies would die, just that they’ll get fat.
Whenever I left a door open, my mum would ask if I was born in a barn, which is odd because you’d think she’d remember something like that.
My teen daughter wants me to “hurry up” getting ready to go somewhere and ain’t this some karma
Judge: How do you plead?
Me: Well, I can’t speak for the defendant—
J: Of course you can, you’re his attorney
M: Oh what fun! In that case, he’s clearly guilty as hell!
Interviewer: Where do you want to be in 5 years?
Me: Oh, it doesn’t matter. You will have fired me well before then.
Not to say my family is messy but I’ve had two different Roombas escape out the backdoor.
Boss: Can you redact the total before sending the statement?
Me: Sure. Right after I look up the word redact.
Wife: Can you take the kale chips out of the oven?
Me: Sure. Can you hold the trash open?
EMERGENCY!!! THERE’S A NEW ONE!!!!!
CAPTCHA: select all the boxes that contain love
HADDAWAY: shit
[working from home]
8:00am: wake up
8:30am: eat cereal
8:30-noon: can’t remember
noon: open laptop
noon-12:15pm: let laptop “do its thing”
12:15pm: complete one (1) sit-up
12:30pm: neck hurts from sit-up
1:00pm: apply for worker’s comp
People will think you know what you’re talking about if you give your opinion while cleaning a pair of reading glasses.
I finally understand what the cat wants when he wakes me up at 4 am
[1st date]
HER: I love when a guy speaks other languages
ME: <html><body><p>hey</p></body></html>
HER: *closes her browser, metaphorically*
Husband: We need to cut back on spending for January. Just stick to the necessities, you know?
Me: *placing an order for snow boots for the dogs* absolutely
[First date]
Her: I love to travel.
Me: *stands up with basketball* I don’t think this is gonna work.
one last job