ME: [rubbing stomach after a big meal]
WAITER: please stop touching me
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This weekend, my wife & I reached our goal of losing 70 pounds together. But we gained it back when we picked up the kids from my parents.
Guys who resent their friends for not sharing their hair products are gel less.
Asked my 6-year-old what she wants for Christmas and she said “a toy chicken that’s taller than Anthony” so now I can’t even finish my shopping until I track down this Anthony and find out how tall he is. Why can’t she just want a bike?
Bank: your credit card payment is late
Me: your imaginary financial system is illegitimate
Bank: what
Me: nothing what do I owe
MECHANIC: listen, I’m not sure if I can fix this
FRED FLINTSTONE: *cradling his broken legs*
I have learned to accept that my parents are “Santa,” but I still have no idea how they get to all those other houses.
*all the animals gathered around Adam*
Lion: Tell us again how you named us
Deer: Yes tell us tell us!
Adam: Well I-
Lumpsucker fish: boooo
Adam: I just-
Cockchafer beetle: BOOOOOOOO
[anniversary dinner]
HER: tell me something that will make my heart race
ME: my credit card got declined
Sleeping in a tent is so relaxing. You can hear the leaves rustling, the loons calling out on the lake and, if you listen closely, whimpering teenagers crying out softly “wifi, wifiiiii”.
[getting kidnapped]
me: you deserve better
interviewer: what are your strengths
me: when i was little i drew a picture of a beer so good my mom put it in the refrigerator and an hour later she tried to drink it
interviewer: what about weaknesses
me: my mom’s a mess
[cop directing traffic holds up hand for me to stop] Ok but I’m stopping bc I want to not bc you told me to
Girls have Galentine’s day but I just gave my buddy a 12 pack of beer and called it a dozen broses.
she’s going to make a soup or a hearthy stew perhaps
I’ve already accomplished* so much today
*been afraid of a goose
Has there ever been a more American story?
It’s not everyday you get to see stuff like this
Relationship status: Invented an imaginary GF, but she just wanted to be ‘friends’ and slept with my dad. Typical.
When you’re dragging a boat full of sailors to its watery doom then suddenly remember you left the oven on
i could never sleep with a man named dunstin. that’s a monkey’s name.
Every time I hear someone say “The Lord works in mysterious ways,” I picture him performing miracles while doing the robot.
Friend: excited for your date?
Me: no I just found out what we do at the end
Friend: kiss?
Me: *thinking about tipping* math
That awkward moment when you try something on in a shop but you don’t know if you can get it off again.
October is when everyone changes their handle and their avi and now I’m completely lost.
If God is a woman then how do you explain:
1) Spiders
2) Shoes you can’t afford
3) Periods
4) Men
There is a football player named Drew Sample?
He missed his true calling of phlebotomy.
A thousand curses upon anyone who has ever gone, “Why are you sitting in the dark?” and then flipped the light on without asking.
If someone asks you if you’re in the queue, what they actually mean is “you’re really shit at queuing, aren’t you?”
I put my fitbit on my ankle so that when I’m out in public I look like a felon who escaped house arrest and people won’t want to talk to me