me: *rubs lamp*
genie: I will grant you three wishes
me: can you go away I’m rubbing this lamp
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Oh, so it’s cute when my toddler says “all done” and hangs up mid call on the phone to my in-laws but when I do it I’m “out of line”.
Damn girl, if you was a fruit you’d be a fineapple, if you was a vegetable, I would visit you in the hospital as often as I could.
soup is a safe food to eat in the shower it’s already wet so there’s basically no risk
I wear the same outfit for 3 days but when I’m going away for 3 days I pack enough clothes for 7 days just in case my personality completely changes while I’m gone.
[séance]
“Everyone hold hands and close your eyes.”
[knocking sound]
“Speak, spirit, speak!”
“Hi. It’s the pizza guy. You ordered a medium.”
If you get a text from me that ends in a stream of emojis, my mother has stolen my phone DO NOT ENGAGE
[My first day as Lady Gaga]
*talking to my stylist*
just wrap ham around my face.
So my mom suggested today that I use Twitter to find a boyfriend. I told her that only works if you’re already married.
Me: HOLY SHIT! We’ve been robbed!
Her: Oh No! Are you calling the police?
Me: (Sigh) No, I’m calling the burglars to congratulate them..
Policeman:”Sir, we have sufficient evidence to believe that this vehicle has been stolen.
Me: how
Policeman: Step out of the tank Sir
Questions my toddler asked me this week:
– Which is better, a tree or yogurt?
– Do frogs know that they are frogs?
– Why do they still make regular blueberries when the chocolate ones are better?
– Were you ever alive?How about your kid?
Unlike the brain, the stomach alerts you when it’s empty.
I don’t understand people who punch walls. “I’m so mad, I want to spend all day tomorrow plastering over the hole I’m about to make.”
8yo: Did you know they used to have computer mouses that had wires? I don’t even know how you could use those
Me: To strangle your coworkers
8yo: What?
Me: Huh?
The homework is due on Monday.
“Can I get an extension?”
The homework is due on Monday.png
they probably named the Rocky mountains first and then saw all the other mountains and were like “oh”
Why have I gained weight? I don’t get it. Is it the extra butter on the bread? The extra ham on the butter? The extra cheese on the ham? The extra mayo on the cheese? What?
Me- WHOA, let me Google that for ya
CW- Google what?
* (types)why is my CW an annoying dipshit
* makes eye contact
*slow presses enter
The sock thief who lives in our dryer has developed a taste for masks.
wife: u should’ve paid more attention in school
me: what why
wife: u brought home the wrong kids
If your dog doesn’t have a middle name how will they know when you’re mad at them when you call them?
Math is like my parenting. I do it when I have to, but I’m not great at it.
skippin the intro of a game and then realizin you have no idea what the objectives are just walking round aimlessly hoping something pops up
I’m just going start inventing words and then tell people that’s what we call it in England.
If you like piña coladas / Getting caught in the rain / Drink this piña colada / It was caught in the rain
I don’t know what happened but the entire pan of brownies is gone and I only had 4,500 slivers.
Nothing makes me scream louder during sex than when my husband calls to let me know he’s on his way home from work.
Pretty burnt out on the typical lead female in a book who can do anything, and every man wants her. How about a middle aged woman who has had two gin & tonics by 5:30, is wearing sweats, and is glad there’s leftovers so she doesn’t have to cook yes this tweet is oddly specific.
Me:
Pale people: I’m so white that I’m translucent, no one is as pale as me, last week my uncle thought I was the ghost of a Victorian-era cellar boy
will you marry me?
“OMG YES! I love you!!!”
*imagines typing only 4 characters for ‘wife’ instead of ‘girlfriend’ on Twitter*
I love you too