Me: I’m here to collect my pre-demon.
Lady: Sir, at this animal shelter, we call them kittens.
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An email so annoying, you wanna return the computer to the store.
I wonder if that football guy will be at the Taylor Swift game again today.
Religion: because reading one book is a lot easier than a whole bunch of hard ones.
I sent youse two to whack that freakin’ guy and instead youse screwed it up like a couple of
Me: I’m a tenor.
Her: You’re a six, and I’m being generous.
HR: “This is your revised salary. We recommend you keep it confidential.”
Employee: “Don’t worry, I’m equally ashamed of it.”
I’m rabidly against plagiarism, but I guess if you’re going to steal something, a Columbus joke at least makes sense
[Having guests over for the first time after restrictions are lifted]
Them: Wow your place looks great! So clean!
Us: Thanks we were trying to stay alive.
The best part of being old for the holidays? Nobody bats an eye when you ‘randomly fall asleep’ in the middle of a conversation.
i can always see the flash of disappointment n a guy’s face when i tell them i have a great relationship with my dad.
Therapist: what was it like growing up?
Me: I just [reaches for tissues] kept getting taller.
Remember don’t judge, you never know what another person is going through
Unless they’re constantly oversharing on Facebook, then go ahead
A lot of people think it’s embarrassing Elvis died shitting in his bathroom but it would be way more embarrassing if he died shitting in his kitchen
4yo: You have wrinkles.
My Friend: Those are pillow indentations.
Me: But you have them every day.
Friend: I sleep every night.
me: most dust is human skin flakes therefore roombas are carnivorous robots and one day the dust won’t satiate them anymore so they will rise up and devour us all
therapist: can we go back to discussing your childhood
me: one sec
Reading my shopping list and finding “a shit ton of oats” clearly in goat handwriting again
doctor: I’ll need you to remove your underpants
me: *taking underpants off my head* fine
It sucks you can’t google something happening in your life. What does my neighbor Derek do for work
Him: Baby imma call you back, im in the middle of a shootout.
Her: Yea w.e, tell that bitch I said she can have you.
If your new boyfriend carved your initials into a tree on your first date, let the fact he brought a knife be a sign of things to come.
Sometimes I’m out in public and I have to look down real quick to make sure I remembered to put on pants.
Gonna spend the day staring at the Sun. Eclipse practice.
Me: “I keep looking for love in all the wrong places.”
*later at the abandoned mine*
Me: “Hello?! Would anybody like a date?!”
ME: I got us a custom headstone!
WIFE: I’m not being immortalized in one of your dumb jokes
ME: Just read it
WIFE: “Tomb it may concern…”
BARBER: would you like a hot towel?
ME: buddy, I don’t objectify towels
What do people in non-baseball countries call second base?
Me (texting): Help I’m in the pantry hiding from the murderer
Murderer: Probably shouldn’t have used speech-to-text
Snapchat is going public in March
with a $30 billion IPO.Investors only hope the value of stock shares holds up longer than its snaps.
It’s not a bad movie if you fell asleep because clearly you needed a nap, not a movie.