Bruce Wayne could prevent so much more crime if he just used his vast fortune to buy up all the Gotham tri-state area abandoned chemical plants and dilapidated amusement parks.
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If you tweet about orthopedic shoes enough, you don’t even need to write “No DMs” in your bio.
I can always tell when it’s closer to Christmas. My wife replaces the hand soap with the stuff that smells like gingerbread and I spend a week looking for cookies that haven’t been made yet
Me: shouldn’t ocean now be spelled oCean?
Climatologist: that’s not what rising sea level means
Year 2696.
Archeologists 1: *looking at cursive written on an ancient wall* Come here, I’ve made a discovery. What does it say?
Archeologist 2: If my translation is correct it says, “For a good time, call your mom.”
[music store]
me: [absolutely shredding] I told you I played a little guitar
him: sir, that’s a mandolin
They didn’t leave much room for new models when they called it the ‘ULTRA-Sound’. “Mr Sutherland, I’ll book you in for a Sonic-Boom”
Why don’t you make like a tree and grow big and strong bro
2016: No way will Trump win the election
2017: No way will President Trump fire all those nukes
2018: No way we’re doing what those Apes say
I wouldn’t want to fly Virgin. Who’d want to fly an airline that doesn’t go all the way?
I only sleep on one side of my bed because the clean laundry sleeps on the other.
No one said life would be easy, but a heads-up on the number of idiots out there would’ve been nice.
“Why do birds suddenly appear?”
To shit on my newly washed car, that’s why.
Break into your neighbor’s house every night but don’t take anything just put a cape on their dog
You travel 3500 miles to the breathtaking 15th-century mountaintop Inca citadel, Machu Picchu. The gift shop is not great.
me: how bad is it
dr: nothing that can’t be fixed with some mild dietary restrictions and moderate exercise
[later]
wife: what did the doctor say
me: linda….i’m dying
[Speed Dating]
People act weird when I explain that I ate my twin in the womb, but when would have been the right time to do it?
[noir voice-over] I wasn’t a real man. Just three kids stacked on top of each other in a trenchcoat. She knew it, too. She also knew I was the only one who could solve her husband’s murder
angel: where’d all the zebras go?
God: I put ’em in the desert
angel: dude their camouflage was for the snow
God: I know lol
“Go ahead caller”
Why radio DJ’s should never work a suicide hotline…
[taking a knee]
Surgeon: Stop that woman!
“Oh heyyy youuu. How are YOU doing? How’s your… stuff? I haven’t seen you in… time.”
-I say to the person I don’t remember.
Could you even imagine the crime rate if no one drank coffee or ate bacon.
I sexually identify as an avocado.
Not in the mood.
Not in the mood.
Not in the mood.
Oh yes tonight is the nigh-
Too late, I’m over it.
Insomnia: Wanna see a magic trick?
Me: No
Insomnia: Cmon, you know you do
Me: Fine
Insomnia: Think of a number between 1 and 10,000
Me: Ok
Insomnia: Is it 1?
Me: No
Insomnia: Is it 2?
Me: …No
Insomnia: 3?
Me: …I hate you
Insomnia: Don’t tell me. Is it 4?
me: I’m not feeling well
doctor: take your glove off
I bet deaf people scare the shit out of bank tellers when they hand them a note.
I’m too young to always make noises when I bend down to pick something up off the ground
New diet plan: murder all the skinny people.
Doctor: I have some bad news
Me: Why can’t my grandma tell me?
Doctor: I’m afraid she passed
Me: oh no
Grandma: Yeah screw that, I’m not doing it
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!-Amish drive by