My daughter is angry that I won’t let her eat icicles hanging off our house, like I’m some kind of monster for denying her a gutter sucker.
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QUESTIONNAIRE
Do you need glasses?
[ ] Yes
[ ] NoX
At a job interview “What are your strengths?”
“I’m an optimist and a positive thinker”
“Can you give me an example?”
“Yes, when do I start?”
My spouse must be the most patient person in the world because he waits for me to come home from my 12-hour workday and cook and serve dinner every single day and only complains most days
Scream sneezers need love too.
*bursts out of stable on a chihuahua*
“Wait, if you’re here then that means”
*cut to a horse peeking it’s head out of Paris Hiltons purse*
Me: Be still you have something on your face.
4: Is it a snail?
Me: No. Why would a snail be on your face?
4: I don’t know mommy weird stuff happens sometimes.
My kids can’t play at your house because they might begin to think laundry doesn’t live on the couch.
I hope to be a cat in my next life so that I can make someone’s life more fulfilling without actually having to do anything for them.
I get Grumpy when I run out of Dopey.
Always treat your woman like a princess, let a giant turtle kidnap her.
dunno what the best part of this is? being called ‘jack sexty’ or getting an award for shitting on exercise equipment
What do the Quiet Place aliens do when the 17-year cicadas emerge and start screaming?
nobody:
TV writers: first of all, nobody can explain anything quickly or clearly to avoid a misunderstanding
[After 20 min at your house]
I used all your toilet paper
“Check in the cabine-”
All of it
“We have more in the gar-”
All of it all of it
Shoutout to my upstairs neighbours for finding a loophole in the ‘no elephants’ clause in their lease
If you pregnant, dont swallow bubblegum….. it stick to ya baby hair….
click on one injured animal rescue video, the algorithm just goes “Oh you like this” & shows you dogs getting run over by lawnmowers forever
[grocery store seized by terrorists]
“Not today”, I say, tearing the label from a tube of Poppin’ Fresh Dough and rolling it down the aisle
If I could go back and do it all over again I’d be born into money
Accidentally taught my dog to play dad instead of play dead and now he won’t stop barking at me when I try to touch the thermostat
Husband: You don’t need to wear makeup, babe.
Me: (dressed as a witch) Thanks.
[medieval doctor] bad vibes? got a worm for that
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I research genomes
Me: I love those little dudes, but you know it’s actually pronounced ‘gnomes’
Me when my husband says, “let’s go to the gym”
[texting my friend]
me: sorry I missed your party yesterday
friend: it’s today actually
me: read this again tomorrow then
Me: What a gorgeous day! I’m going to *make the most of it.
*Pulls open the blackout curtains exactly one inch
When I said I wanted to get sticky, I didn’t mean that I wanted to spill my slushie all over the place.
You’re on your deathbed. You gather the strength to utter your last words “Boxers with pockets,” you say. “You’ll never have to wear pants.”
squirrel mom: Remember what I told you
squirrel son: “Always look both ways before I finish crossing the street”
I don’t trust kids as far as I can throw them. Currently my record for trusting a kid is 6 feet 11-1/4 inches.