Me: *runs up* if anyone asks, we’re friends. just be cool.
Dog: *wags tail*
Me: oh you’re good.
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Jesus’s ability to reheat food is a bigger question than his status as a deity……..
If only the door of my car had a warning light for when it was getting low on takeout napkins.
If dogs named famous people, we would have:
-Bark Wahlberg
-Bark Zuckerberg
-Bark Hammill
-Bark Obama
-Charles Barkley would still be Charles Barkley
Do you think anyone fired from Twitter is decamping to their picturesque home town where their parents are about to put them in charge of a local Christmas project, and their only assistant? a handsome carpenter (who’s single)
“Alexander’s not so Great” – younger brother, Steve the Ok
When someone you don’t like is eating them, chips sound like 1000 asteroids smashing into the polar ice caps.
4 y/o: how does Santa go to everyone’s house in one night
me: warp speed
4 y/o: warp speed isn’t real
me: neither is Santa go to sleep
I’m going to use colored chalk for your outline.
Husband: …
barn owls must have been stoked when the barn was invented
There are two types of people, those who are clueless about their kids’ schedules and the other who plan it down to the minute. And they end up marrying each other
*comes home from poker night earlier than usual looks at wife while picking up the dog and leaves without saying anything*
Grocery prices are so bad I could only afford “some purpose” flour.
The first 70 years after high school are always the hardest.
I’m gonna get a tattoo of me getting a tattoo of me getting a tattoo. Inkception.
“Are you listening?”
“Yes.”
“Are you REALLY listening?”
“I really am.”
“But I mean, are you-”
“I’m not gonna say it, Dave.”
I should probably switch to water soon.
*A memoir
*pronounces fake like saké*
HOT LOCAL SINGLES IN YOUR AREA WANT YOUR CREDIT CARD NUMBER.
Me: *Living in the US for 16 years*
Me: *Calls mom in India everyday 9PM*
Mom: *Everyday* What time is it there?
#TrueStory
Ion see the issue
My wife told me to get a real job or pack my bags!
What an idiot! Who threatens someone with a vacation???
Me: yeah, I’m not going to make it in today.
Boss:of course, this snow is crazy.
Me: Snow?
*scrawls note on deserted isle*
TRAPPED ON ISLAND! HELP ME!
*sends off in bottle*
*it returns, months later, with reply*
NEW BOTTLE WHO DIS?
I talk a lot of shit for someone who just had a sexy dream about a grilled cheese sandwich
My wife asked me why I was speaking so softly at home. I told her I was afraid Mark Zuckerberg was listening! She laughed. I laughed. Alexa laughed. Siri laughed.
And then I go and spoil it all by saying something stupid like – Never just be yourself. There’s something wrong with you.
Nuff said? No seriously, what did Nuff say?
Autocorrect got me in trouble again when I invited the neighbors over for a friendly game of Go Fist.
My husband asked how he could make me happy and I said “hold on, I have a list” and he laughed, but it wasn’t funny because I did have a list.
I think the Monday after Sunday should always be a day off.